I Want That! by Michael Davis

Wow!

What a difference a week makes! I mean can you believe what happened last week? I write a column about politics and personal choice and I get zillion comments and now the biggest event in the history of the USA political system occurs! This event makes me so proud to be a black man! 

History was made last week and I’m sure you saw it unfold on television as I did. I still cannot believe that…

Britney Spears lost her mind and went to the hospital.

Wow! I, one day will be able to tell my grandkids that I saw this crazy little twit get carted away in an ambulance. She looked like she was on the kind of drugs that make hard core drug addicts say “Oh Hell no, I’m not taking that! I’ll stick to heroin.” 

Did you see the number of police cars that were there? 

What the fish!?

I was in a motorcycle accident once and when the ambulance got to me (45 minutes later!) they asked me if I was OK. I was not OK, but in my dazed state I said yes. They did not check my vitals, they did not look in my eyes, they got back in the ambulance and left me there. I tried to pick up my bike but the pain caused me to almost black out. When I finally got back to my apartment (the accident was inside my apartment complex and I could walk) I was about to go to sleep when my girlfriend at the time just happen to call me. She asked me how I was and I told her about the accident she calmly told me NOT to go to sleep and that she was on her way over. 

Her name was (is) Judy and she was (is) a nurse. She came over and took me to the hospital. It turns out I had a severe concussion and I was about to go into shock. If not for that random call there was a real chance I could have died.

There were no police cars with the ambulance. The paramedics could have given a fish about me. Yep, I could have died but there’s Britney with five dozen photographers a zillion police cars and ambulance allowed to run red lights because she is out of her damn mind!

I know you think I’m about to go into a rant about this. Nope.

I want that.

You heard me. 

I want that. 

I want to have marginal talent, marry some loser, get high, and get drunk, get pregnant, shave my head, go on stage high, and stay out all night. I want photographers to follow me into Target when I shop. 

I want people to stake out my house, I want people to hang on my every word as if every word I say has some magical power to grant three wishes. I want to be photographed a billion times when I’m drinking coffee at Starbucks as if that event was worth seeing on television over and over and over and over…and over. I want to be watched drinking that cup of coffee as if any drip from my mouth that hits the floor will result in magical little elves that will solve world hunger while at the same time find Stacy Peterson.

I want that.

I want to be photographed saying ‘hi’ to a girl and have that girl romantically linked to me.

I want to spiral out of control to a point that there are debates on television about my frame of mind and just how close I am to suicide. 

I want to see Dr. Phil in my damn hospital room! I want to say “hi” and be romantically linked to him.

I want my own perfume. I will call it ‘Ass Funk’ and the slogan will be: 

Ass funk. For those who want to smell like shit.

I want to be so flipin’ famous that I will sell millions of bottles because the SHEEP who buy celebrity crap like this won’t care that I’m a drugged out idiot or that they are buying something that will make them smell like Shit.

Once Ass Funk becomes a hit I will release my next fragrance, Rehab, and that slogan will be:

Rehab. Go where you will return.

I want that.

I want parents to have to explain to their kids why their favorite pop star is a raging lunatic. 

I want my album to be titled:

Buy my Ass Funk.

Get it? What a clever marketer I will be!

I want that. I want it all.

If this is what it will take to be important in this country, if this is what I need to do to get some media attention and get the whole world to care about what I care about regardless what life changing events are happening in this world. Then I want it.

If this is what it takes to get my ass to the hospital with a police escort when I’m about to D I E then SIGN ME UP.

Michael Davis was last seen driving Britney Spears from the hospital. He’s no fool!