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Top 25 Expected Changes In “Star Wars” Blu-Ray Release

by Sarah Schwarz · September 6, 2011

Image via Wikipedia

You’ve probably already heard that all six [[[Star Wars]]] films will be released on Blu-Ray on September 16, and that the Blu-ray set will feature over 40 hours of bonus material. Three of the discs in the nine-disc saga are full of deleted scenes, props, interviews, paintings, and so on.

But you’ve probably also heard that there are a few changes to the films. Again. And some of the changes are bound to be a tad controversial. Here’s what we expect:

Han shoots Greedo, but only after a judo match, scrabble tournament, and seven rounds of rock, paper, scissors.
A small percentage of Ewoks have taken to waxing.
Darth Vader’s cape is tapered to show off his manly shoulders and narrow waist.
New footage added to feature Seth Rogan as object of Luke Skywalker’s bromance.
Yoda replaced with all-knowing Labradoodle.
Members of the band entertaining Jabba the Hut include the kids from Glee and a few members of Twisted Sister.
“Light saber” replaced with more child-friendly term: wacky stick.
Endor lightspeeder chase sequence restaged to better fit with Yakkety Sax soundtrack.
Half-way through the film, the Emperor’s appearance grows more fresh & dewy thanks to Botox treatment protocol.
Bespin’s Cloud City forced to change name due to copyright suit by Google.
15% of cantina patrons seen enjoying a light and refreshing Diet Coke.
Chewbacca is spurned by Han after changing his relationship status on Facebook.
Jabba the Hut’s size increased by 40% so as not to make Americans self-conscious.
Luke’s Dagobah training montage includes extended pilates sequence.
Bob Barker appears mid-film to remind everyone to spay and neuter their Banta.
R2D2’s beep communication system replaced by the voice of John Leguizamo.
In keeping with today’s low-carb lifestyle, Princess Leia’s bun-braids replaced with rounded slabs of bacon.
Due to regional politics, Battle of Endor renamed Battle of Rebel Aggression.
Snoop Dogg benefits from massive career boost from DVD bonus video: Drop It Like It’s Hoth.
To appeal to the male tween market, show-stopping action sequence culminates in reveal that Darth is Luke’s farter.
Due to climate changes, newscasters on Hoth encourage women to get arms ready for short-sleeve weather.
Emperor forces Death Star to circle Alderaan for two hours at half speed with the left turn signal on the whole time.
Luke argues he can penetrate the Death Star’s defense because “I used to play TONS of Angry Birds.”
To increase multiculturalism, Ben Kenobi’s jedi name revealed to be Obi Juan.
Viewers encouraged to “find the droid you’re looking for” in awkward but lucrative eHarmony tie-in.
(You think we’re kidding? They’re already doing this one:)

To see more, just search on #starwarsrerelease on Twitter.

Sarah Schwartz lives and works somewhere on the East Coast, although she’s not really willing to tell you where. On the rare occasion that she has thoughts, you can find them on twitter at miss_sarah_s.