Debuting on the interwebs just a few days ago (in case ya’ didn’t catch it, partner), the trailer for DC’s western wild-man, Jonah Hex, made it’s dusty digital debut. And dag-nabbit, if it ain’t a big ole pile of predictable horse puckey! After you give that link a lil’ ole’ click and watch the trailer for yourself, maybe you bounce right back here for our analysis of why it done got our britches in a bind!
First off, let’s just git this outta the way. Castin’ John Malkovich as yer’ villain these days is as inspired a choice as castin’ Matthew McConaughey in a romantic comedy. I mean, does Malkovich even get a script for pictures like this anymore, or does the director yell action, and just let him do that whole slow-quiet-evil-talking thing he does in every other movie he’s in?
Past that, how about we talk about Mr. Hex himself. Now I admit, I ain’t no historian of western tales from the funny pages, but a quick call to my friend (comic book historian) Alan Kistler proved my theory right. In his illustrious history as a comic book anti-hero, Mr. Hex ain’t never had no “bring-people-back-from-the-dead-for-a-short-period-of-time” power. And you think the folks on this movie could afford a little better makeup job for the ole’ scarface? I mean, the Dark Knight sure did a convincing job with Mr. Harvey Two-Face’s scars… and here? Jonah done look like they painted up a red vine flesh colored and glued it to Josh Brolin’s face… after letting him suffer from some major acne issues.
I seem to recall another movie that loved to play fast and loose with old west technology too. Anyone else recall that gem of a picture, Wild Wild West? Well it seems the fine folks behind Jonah Hex raided the prop closet from that nightmare, dusted it off, and are attempting to pass it off again. A dynamite launching crossbow pistol? Really? I might have been fine with the pair of gatling guns on Jonah’s horse. But where does he get all these wonderful toys? it seems Jonah’s befriended a well-to-do black man with a closet full of steam punk goodies! Perhaps Morgan Freeman wasn’t available?
Next up on the ole’ gripe list. Megan Fox. Now, I know, if a film has to suck (Transformers, I’m looking at you) the least the producers can do is toss in a little eye candy to ease the pain. And given Josh Brolin’s face in this picture, well, they coulda’ used some special effects to clone Megan a sister. But only if she was mute, cause dog-gonnit… everytime she opens her mouth to deliver a line, it saps the lightning outta my loins faster than a picture of Bea Arthur. I’m not saying Megan’s a bad actress… I’m saying she’s a terrible actress. And based solely on the trailer, I can tell she already talks to much. Where’s Megatron when you need him!?
And finally, let’s just touch quickly on the movie poster itself. Now, given my personal preference for movable type, I have to say, their choice for fonts are as ugly as my sorry ass after a night of drinking. If the bevel gets any bigger on the word HEX you might as well sell 3D glasses to the movie goers. And what in God’s good name is John Malovich holding in his hand? A dragonball? I’m all for purty special effects people, but seriously, why would Jonah be firing his pistol crossbow and hip mounted mini-gun? Malkovich is behind him! Seriously folks… this trailer has done got me in a tizzy, and I apologize for ranting and a’ railing all over this blog today. I think I’ma’ gonna’ take in the ole’ Iron Man 2 trailer now, just to settle my frazzled nerves.
Biff! Pow! Bam! Not in the face!
