Author: Michael Davis

I Got Nothing… by Michael Davis

My mind is a blank. I can’t think of anything to write about. I read a bunch of comics and I came back with zip. I watched the news and was left with nada. I’m in the middle of a few great projects but don’t want to write about them yet.

Wow…writer’s block. I have never been at a lost for something to say or better yet to rant about.

This sucks.

Come on Davis. THINK, THINK, THINK!!

Nothing. I got nothing.

I know, I’ll make a list. That always sparks my imagination. Let’s see now, I can’t do a best dressed list or most sexy list. I have to do something that’s classy. I have to do something that shows that I am above the petty stupid lists that Hollywood produces.

Got it!

10 people I would like to pimp slap.

1. Paris Hilton
2. Kim Kardashian
3. Lindsay Lohan
4. Jeremiah Wright
5. The Real World Creator
6. Amy Winehouse
7. Charles Manson
8. Rush Limbaugh
9. Dr. Laura
10. Naomi Campbell

Damn. Still nothing. I am really barren today. What else can I do to spark my imagination?

I got nothing.

I’ll try another list.

(more…)

Sound Bites For Dummies, by Michael Davis

"Every time I think I’m out they drag me back in!”

Al Pacino. Godfather 3

I had another article all ready to go. A lighthearted article about how I really loved comic books and how proud I am that I work in this industry on so many levels. I did not want to write another article on race, but thanks to Jeremiah Wright here I go again…

Some time ago I was given a gift certificate to The Burke Williams Spa. For those of you who don’t know, it’s an upscale health resort. Those who know me know that the last thing I’m about is anything “up scale.” I like simple. “Upscale” to me means a bunch of people who think they have a right to look down on other people. I know that’s a wide net to cast, but that’s how I feel. So when I got the gift certificate I was a little hesitant to go but man was I in a bad way and I really needed a massage. The gift certificate was for a massage and a milk bath…A MILK bath.

Look, I’m a MAN from the projects and a milk bath should have made me very uneasy, but truth be told it sounded so good. So I put my reservations on hold and made my way to Burke Williams. When I arrived I notice that the spa was staffed with women.

Beautiful women. Tall, shapely, sexy women.

When I checked in at the front desk I’m asked if I want a man or a women for my massage I say “woman,” thinking about all he foxes that are floating around. The receptionist looked at me strange, so much so I said “What?” I was starting to feel like this was exactly why I did not want to go to an upscale establishment. I’m a pretty simple guy. I like things simple. I hate interaction with people when my goal is to do something else. As an example when I walk into a Starbucks I just want a cup of coffee. I don’t want to buy a CD; I don’t want to hear about the new Booty juice latte, just give me my damn coffee. In fact if I walk in and there are more than two people on line, I walk out. BTW, I like my coffee the way I like my women…with soy sauce. (more…)

Send In The Clowns, by Michael Davis

  • News
  • April 25, 2008

Last week I was in New York for just 24 hours. I flew in to do my Black Panel at the New York Comic Con and meet with Mike Gold about another project I’m doing for ComicMix. The week before I was suffering from a series of migraine headaches and got on the plane with the full knowledge that I could have a relapse. THEN Jet Blue lost the only bag I checked. That bag happened to be what I needed for a meeting with Mike and another meeting I was having. So with all that in mind I was not expecting the best of times. In fact I was thinking the trip was a mistake.

So I was not in the greatest of moods when I got to the con. THEN I had an impromptu

meeting with Mike Richardson, which turned into great news! THEN I meet with Mike Gold and that meeting was great even without the stuff I wanted him to see that was in the bag that Jet Blue lost. THEN I talked to Dwayne McDuffie and got some more good news from him about a project we are planning! THEN, the Black Panel was great fun. THEN I had dinner with ComicMix’s Media Goddess Martha Thomas and she introduced me to TWO great writers that I hope to work with in the future.

THEN, I was sharing some more good news with my best friend Denys Cowan. As head of BET Animation, a division of Black Entertainment Television (BET), he announced production on The Black Panther animated series, which is really cool.

So, I was feeling pretty darn good when I flew back to L.A.

THEN I met this guy…  (more…)

New York, New York, by Michael Davis

  • News
  • April 18, 2008

If you can make it there you can make it anywhere…

I hate Los Angeles.

I hate it here. I hate the food with its damn “tofu” slant. I hate the weather, always freaking sunny. I hate the girls (Asians girl exempt) and that ridiculous “Valley Girl” dialect. I hate the car culture, where what you drive defines you. I hate the stupid way they treat “stars” like these people walk on water. Listen, I enjoy Tom Cruise’s movies but unless Tom is writing me a check he and Katie can wait on line just like me at the airport. I hate gangs and would not shed a tear if they killed each other in a massive gang war.

But most of all, I hate the laid-back way they approach things in L.A.

Case in point, last week I had a severe migraine. I mean bad. I get them so bad sometimes that I go blind and my head feels like it will explode. Trust me, my description does not do the pain justice, let me put it this way, the only two times I have ever considered suicide is once when I was in such pain from a migraine and the other is when Bush won his second term. Anyway, I was sitting on my couch talking to Denys Cowan on the phone enjoying some all to brief relief from the pain when I heard my dogs barking from my backyard. I thought little of this as the barking could be from a number of reasons. Then the barking became crazed and I thought maybe there was a squirrel or something in my back yard then Mac (MY PIT BULL BOXER MIX) went ballistic! I asked Denys to hold on, then went outside to see what Mac and Dexter (my golden retriever) were losing their minds over. (more…)

The Way We Were, by Michael Davis

  • News
  • April 11, 2008

Memories… light the corners of my mind, misty water-colored memories… of the way we were…

Dear DC,

It”s been a while. How are you? I know I am the last person you expected to hear from. I did tell you I would call in a day or so. I’m a bit late. It’s been what, 15 years?

I hear you are dating. How is Wildstorm? I know he’s very attractive but I didn’t think you were into pretty boys. But having met him, I’ve realized he is very smart and accomplished. It hurt for a while and it still does. But if you are happy, I’m happy.

Listen, I know this is not my place, but I hear your child Vertigo has been doing some strange things and you may want to get her some help. There’s no easy way to say this so I’ll just say it. Word on the street is Vertigo is a freak and I’m not talking about the circus kind. No, she’s what Rick James would call a Super Freak. She goes places where no one else would. She does things that are just downright…I can’t say it but I think you know what “it” is. I tell you all this because I just wanted to let you know I still keep tabs on you; I still care about you and yours.

Things are OK with me these days. I’ve done some good things over the last 15 years. I often think about what would have happened if I could have done some of those things with you. Do you think of me? Maybe a little? Maybe a teeny-weeny little bit? I’d like to think so. (more…)

The Race Card, by Michael Davis

  • News
  • April 4, 2008

I’m writing a book on race and…hey, I’m serious. I’m writing the book with my boy Rusty Cundieff, whose long list of director credits include the films Fear Of A Black Hat and House Party 2. Rusty was also the director of The Dave Chappelle Show. I came up with the project three years ago and Rusty came aboard two years ago. Why has it taken so long? It’s one of those projects that just takes the time it takes (hear that, O?). The book is called Every Thing You Wanted To Know About black People But Were Afraid To Ask.

I had a fair amount of interest from some publishers over the last two years but lately there has been a flurry of interest from many publishers. I have no doubt the recent focus on race in the presidential campaign has made the book a lot more relevant.

The book is written by two black men and is based on our experiences.

Now, what does that mean? It means that two black men are going to talk about our experiences as black men. We do not speak for every single black person. Rusty and I are also professional television writers who LOVE to write comedy, so you KNOW what that means…fun, laughs and WHITE WOMEN!

If you have the ability to read and reason then you must feel like I do about racism and that is that racism is just plain stupid. I just don’t get racism at all. It’s stupid, stupid, STUPID.

I mean to dislike someone just because of the color of their skin is nuts. The only thing dumber is hating on someone because of his or her religious beliefs. What’s next, hating someone because they eat apples and you like oranges?

The rest of the world should take a page from the comic book world. We don’t see color. I have been to hundreds of comic book conventions all over the planet and never felt even the hint of racism. Now there were some times in the convention city where racism was a real issue.

  (more…)

The Story Of O 2 (kinda), by Michael Davis

  • Uncategorized
  • March 28, 2008

burning_bridge_full-5345524

In my ever increasing attempt to break the mold, I am giving my fateful readers not one but one and a half columns today!

Last week’s The Story of O about a young man I mentored who attacked me with horrible career ending voice mail and text messages resulted in a wee bit of a stir. That article received a LOT of interest and some people have called me and asked me where ‘O’ and I stand now.

Well O still does not grasp the impact of what he did. His last text told me that he pitied me. Yep, I tried to help him and it did not work out so I’m the bad guy…pity. Well, I am done dealing with it. I realize that some people just don’t get it when you try and help them so I’m done.

Pity.

Hey, wait! My birthday is coming up! I think I’ll give myself a pity party on the grounds of my VAST estate I built on the back of former students I mentored who I have never taken a dime from.

Mike Gold was my comics’ mentor when I started doing work for DC. I lost a HUGE job because DC did not like the work I was doing. Mike was the person who helped me get that job. I remember vividly getting the call that I was off the project because of what I did.

I walked into Mike’s office and called him all sort of names. I also turned Mike’s desk over then took out a Mac 10 and set my sites on him and then the rest of DC editorial for the first comic book company blood bath in history. Mike ducked under his desk as I fired my first shots barely missing his head.

(more…)

The Story Of O, by Michael Davis

  • News
  • March 21, 2008
 
storyofo_final-1917074
 
This was going to be an article about the sheer stupidly of the former Governor of New York and other idiots who say one thing and do another. Then I listened to Senator Obama’s speech on race. I was going to write about that speech but at another time. Then I received the following text message on my cell phone:

U and denys r no talent racist lying frauds. What kind of monster abuses positive accomplished young black men? Michael Davis PhD Player Hating Dickhead.

The denys he is writing about is my best friend Denys Cowan. He also left a voice mail on Denys’ business phone where he called Denys a “Faggot,” among other things.

Who is this person? Let’s call him O. If I really wanted to “playa hate” I would give up who he was, thus ending any chance of this guy ever working with any major entertainment companies. I don’t out him because there is still a small chance that he will try and clean up his act.

A very small chance.

Why is he so upset? More than a year ago he submitted a project to me which I thought showed promise. The project has not moved fast enough for him and O wanted to know why. I told him what I tell everyone about selling in the entertainment business…

A deal takes the time a deal takes.

(more…)

The Moment Of Truth, by Michael Davis

  • News
  • March 14, 2008

Who in the world is stupid enough to go on shows like The Moment Of Truth and the Maury show?

I’ve always thought that stupid is what stupid does, but these people are just as dim as a black room. No, even dimmer. I can almost see why people go on The Moment Of Truth, they pay you cold hard cash and all you have to do is tell the truth. Of course the truth may destroy your family and spill the beans about your dirty laundry to MILLIONS of people, but, hey you will be able to buy a new car. You can ride your new car to the therapist’s office because you will need to seek help after realizing what a moron you are.

You idiot.

How obtuse are these people? Sorry, I just realized that there might be some people out there reading this who may have appeared on one of those shows. A word like “obtuse” may make their brains explode. OK, if you have appeared on one of these shows I am going to help you. First, sound it out. URB-TWOS.

Got it?

Now for the meaning; Obtuse; URB-TWOS: Your children are doomed to a life of crime, poverty or shame because you are an idiot.

Before I go on, I should tell you that I love BOTH those shows! They are like a bag of popcorn. Popcorn has absolutely no nutritional value but while you are eating it, boy does it taste good! You may be asking why I have not included Jerry Springer with these shows. I hate to break it to you, but that show is as fake as wrestling.

Yes fanboy, wrestling is fake.

Take a moment. I understand…

The Maury show has a repeating theme: the “paternity” show. On those shows men are confronted with women who claim they are the fathers of their newborn kids. The men deny it, so Maury does a DNA test and reveals the results on the show!

(more…)

I Want To Be Like Mike, by Michael Davis

  • News
  • March 7, 2008
 
What is cool? 
 
I’ve always thought that each person should gage what he or she thinks is cool. I hate those magazines and television shows that tell you what’s cool or what’s hot and proclaim what they think we mere mortals should follow. Not just follow, but follow blindly. How do we know the person entrusted with that list is not some stupid old fart who still thinks that The Beatles were Paul McCartney’s first back-up band?  This is the person who gets to decide what I will think is cool? For my money that’s the problem with the television and fashion industries. Take an original show like Sex in the City* –that show was bold and funny and deserved the label of cool. 
 
* I must admit I only watched that show when I was trying to impress a girl. I am straight, you know.
 
So what do TV executives do? They green light shows which are pretty much carbon copies of Sex in the City. One is called Lipstick Jungle. The names of the other shows, I can’t think of. Let’s call those other shows Middle Age Girls Gone Wild or Booty Call Diaries or I Can’t keep a man so I have to devote my time to my career because I’m just not that attractive anymore but that’s OK I have my work but I’m ugly. 
 
The hope is that these shows will garner ratings and become cool enough to spawn spin offs and licensing. 
 
Not likely on any of those counts.
 
This “we think this is cool” happens a lot in the fashion industry also. Some “experts” say what they think is cool to wear and hope we will act like sheep and follow along.
 
Bah. Bah, my tight firm ass. Yeah, I work out. It’s the PS3, 360 and Wii ass workout. 
 

(more…)

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