Author: Mike Gold

Well, this one is fun.

According to Britian’s Daily Mail , authorities have discovered white cobwebs on nuclear waste at the Savannah River National Laboratory, located at (go figure) the Savannah River Site in South Carolina.

The Defense Nuclear Facilities Safety Board (did you know we even had a Defense Nuclear Facilities Safety Board?) says “The growth, which resembles a spider web, has yet to be characterized but may be biological in nature.”

Where did it come from? And… where have we heard this story before?

According to the omnipresent “experts,” any living creature inside in the pools of “safety” water would have been exposed to the nuclear fuel and could have evolved into a new species. It turns out there is a bacterium that scientists call Deinococcus radiodurans (normal humans really don’t care – thus far) that is so resistant to radioactivity that it has been reengineered for use in the treatment of radioactive waste. So, I guess it’s possible that the spider that weaved a web, if it indeed is a web, could have survived to… oh, say, bite a wandering science student.

Which, as we all know, could give him the proportionate power of a spider. Then again, it’s probably more likely it would simply kill the poor bastard.

Or… then again… the whole thing simply could be a really nuanced promotion for the upcoming Spider-Man reboot.

Either way, you can’t be too careful and ComicMix recommends our South Carolina readers invest in some bug spray.

One of the charms of being into comics is the joy of stumbling across an unexpected find. It could be a new comic that came in under the radar (in other words, I missed that page in the Diamond Catalog) or an oldie I hadn’t heard of. That used to be one of the real pleasures in attending comic book conventions, before they became the Cattle Calls of the Damned.

Yesterday I stumbled across a real interesting find. An emailed gift from a friend in need, and by “in need” I’m referring to me. I was staring at my blank computer screen, reciting the mantra “need… column… idea… need… column… idea…” The gift was a wonderful albeit sickening one-shot published by Dark Horse about five years ago, produced by Eric Powell of Goon fame.

For me, Powell’s work is irresistible. So is The Goon. But that doesn’t matter. It’s impossible for me to pass up a comic called Satan’s Sodomy Baby. That’s just how I roll. This one truly has it all: The Goon, bestiality, Satanic anal rape, multi-faith humor, dumb Tennesseans, pissing fire long before Ghost Rider did it, and truly gratuitous titties. Well, just two gratuitous titties, but you see ‘em a lot.

Did I mention this book isn’t for kiddies? Of course if you’re a parent that’s your decision; I ain’t trying to tell you how to raise your children up. But even Powell is on the same page: the false-cover consists of a blurb that says, and I quote,

WARNING: This comic contains material unsuitable for children. It’s filled with vile, morally reprehensible subject matter that is quite possibly illegal in some states, and if it’s not, it should be. Do not open this comic if you are under the age of 18. Do not open this comic if you have strong religious convictions or even the smallest hint of human decency. Do not open this comic if you love Satan. Do not open this comic if you have strong political beliefs. Do not open this comic if you are homophobic. Do not open this comic if you are racist. Do not open this comic if you love farm animals. In fact, unless you have no strong feelings about anything, THIS PROBABLY ISN’T THE COMIC FOR YOU. Unless you have a sense of humor.

Yow! Talk about your variant covers!

This book is hilarious. Pull the stick outta your ass – Satan probably put it there anyhow – and give it a read. I suggest doing so after an episode of Justified.

THURSDAY: Bring it on, Dennis O’Neil!

Related articles

• Eric Powell and David Fincher Say ‘The Goon’ Adaptation is Not Dead, Paul Giamatti Apologizes for Sparking Rumors (slashfilm.com)

Our pal Denny O’Neil usually occupies this space at this date and time. Sadly, he’s under the weather, which sucks because the weather was 60 degrees and mostly sunny in his neighborhood today.

The good news is, he’s on the mend. The bad news is, he couldn’t make this deadline. That’s fine — better Denny should take care of himself, in case he decides to enter the Iditarod or something.

He’ll be back here next time… dare I say it?… same Bat-time, same Bat-website.

FRIDAY, we’ll have Martha Thomases here in her usual space.

Sometime around 1987, DC Comics’ then-publisher Jenette Kahn told DC’s next publisher Paul Levitz that it was time to change the DC logo. Paul protested and pulled me in – I gather I was handy, or perhaps I was least likely to look like a plant. I chirped in “No, too soon. Branding takes time. Some people have just started to spend money on that logo with Dark Knight Returns and The Watchmen.”

It was painful for me to say this because I hated the DC Bullet. It was designed by Milton Glazer, and those in-lines of his were everywhere. But on cheap paper with those silly putty printing plates, his in-lines either dropped out or boogied up like a crack fiend drawing an arrow with his feet. Still, I supported Paul’s decision. If it worked for Coca-Cola for some 110 years, it should work for DC Comics for 30.

That’s about how long Glazer’s Bullet was in, and on, action. It was replaced by the one you see at the upper left-hand of the graphic above. Even after 30 years, many fans initially hated it. But I think even the most cynical liked it on the big screen… and even on the teevee screen. After a short while, it dawned on me that this was probably the best DC logo ever – except that, even though it is worthy, that particular distinction wasn’t much of a compliment.

Some five years later, DC is being rebranded. No, I’m not talking about The New 52: that’s rebranding in the sense that M&M added blue candies to their package while removing the light brown ones. The DC Spin has been sent to the glue factory, to be replaced by that which you see on the upper right of the graphic above.

I’ve started at it for a couple weeks now, taking time out for meals and New Jersey Devils games. And three words come to mind:

Boring. Stupid. And Needless.

Not to be eclipsed, the folks at Bongo Comics – represented by the logo in the lower left of the above graphic – decided to do DC one better. Their new logo is boringer. Stupider. And needlesser.

Both logos replace something that incorporates a bit of the energy and feel of the product itself. Both logos are bland at best; Bongo’s looks like an old Whitman title from the 1970s, and DC’s… well, I don’t know what the hell that thing is. It reminds me of the old toy I had back when milkmen still walked the Earth: it was sort of a pad with one plastic sheet on top of a black something or other. Kids scribbled on it with a wooden stylus, and when we got tired we’d pull the plastic sheet up off the black background and the scrawlings would disappear.

If only.

The most meaningful line in any movie was uttered by the character Governor William J. Lepetomane in Blazing Saddles: “Gentlemen, we’ve got to protect our phony-baloney jobs!” That sentiment is what makes the world go ‘round. If designers and art directors left well enough alone, we would have less work for designers and art directors.

Comics should stir some sense of wonder within the breast of the reader. These logos do not. They probably look real good on the thick glass doors that front their reception rooms, they certainly look real good in the corporate annual report (should Time Warner actually acknowledge they publish comic books), but as a device that inspires attention and attraction, they suffer from the worst sort of sanction: death by dullness.

THURSDAY: Dennis O’Neil

According to Pew Research, one out of every five adult Americans now owns a tablet or an e-book reader. That was before Apple announced its new e-textbook initiative.

Imagine buying all your college textbooks for about a hundred bucks and then carrying them around in a 1.33 pound device. You’ll never need your locker again. Students won’t pop their spines carrying a backpack that is so heavy PeTA wouldn’t let you strap one onto a mule.

And if you’re a comics fan, you’ll never need to schlep around a couple hundred long boxes. Well, not unless you want to.

So people should just stop bitching about electronic comic books. It’s not controversial any more. It doesn’t begat bootlegging; certainly not now that the government is shutting down bootleg sites. Just as soon as publishers start releasing their books at a fair price point – there are no printing costs, no paper costs, no shipping, no returns, and no alternate covers, so $2.99 (let alone $3.99) is a rip-off.

“But I like the feel of the paper,” you might whine. Yes, and I enjoy hearing the crack of the buggy-whip. Deal with it. Stop cutting down trees and milking our ever-dwindling oil supply to print and distribute all those books and magazines you read once – if at all. Publishing is an ecological nightmare; e-publishing doesn’t cure the problem but, like the hybrid and electronic engines, it helps. A lot.

The other by-product is even more interesting: we are breeding a new generation of readers. People are buying e-books and magazines and newspapers and we’re reading them on our iPads and Kindles and such. For a full year now, adult hardcovers and paperbacks, adult mass market books, and children’s/young adult hardcover and paperback have exceeded hard copy sales. In the past year, Borders finally bit the dust, Barnes and Nobles continues to cough up blood, and tablet/e-reader sales skyrocketed.

Tell me where our future lies.

If sales slow down considerably – forgetting how Apple’s sold zillions of iPads to schools and to businesses, forgetting how the iPad 3 is coming within the next 10 weeks, forgetting textbook sales – then it’ll take as long as, oh, maybe three years before over half of the population of American families have one.

Yes, you don’t have to use the device for reading. You can do a lot of other things with your tablet: play games, surf the Internet, write stuff, listen to music, watch teevee, even make phone calls via Skype. All I need is a comfy chair, a toilet, a shower stall, a refrigerator, a microwave and a great pair of headphones and I’m set for life.

Comics store owners – the smart ones – are beginning to adjust. They’re filling in the vacuum created by Borders’ vaporization by expanding their trade paperback and hardcover racks. They’re getting involved in more comics-related tchotchkes, more heroic fantasy movie stuff, and more innovative and distinctive product in general. They no longer have to endure as much terror as they go through the monthly Diamond catalog to guess which non-returnable pamphlets are going to put them out of business.

So, again I ask you – as comics readers, as book readers.

Where does our future lie?

THURSDAY: Dennis O’Neil

I’ve said it before, and I can’t say it enough: John Ostrander is my oldest friend and a virtual brother. We grew up as Northsiders in Chicago, as Cubs fans and as comics fans, and we believe that politics is a more interesting version of cage wrestling. I’d take a bullet for the guy, I’d pull it out of my ample gut, put it on a chain and give it to him. I’d leave it to John to wash it off.

In this space last Sunday, John explained why he loves going to movie theaters. I agree with his points; I think I agree with each and every one of them. But we differ in the conclusion.

Movie theaters suck. They are stupidly expensive. They are a drive to a long parking lot. For the price of a mid-sized carton of popcorn at the multiplex, you can make enough of the stuff to feed most of East Asia. At least one asshole (someday me) is going to forget to turn his cell phone off. Other assholes are going to be texting like a crackhead chicken playing tic-tac-toe on a hotplate. Because they have to pay so much to get into the joint, half the audience thinks they can abandon the concepts of common decency and babble like a crackhead chicken playing tic-tac-toe on a hotplate.

By the way, that’s not necessarily the teenaged and young adult half of the audience. I’ve had to tell yentas old enough to be my grandmother to shut the hell up, even resorting to whispering to one “shut up and learn some fucking manners!”

Oh, yeah. Did I mention the commercials? Commercials?? Really? Commercials? That’s just an insult. I don’t care if it reduces the already outlandish ticket price. That’s like selling a bag of shit for only $12.00.

But it’s the other part of John’s argument that I wish to address.

Last year, our ancient 35” cathode ray tube died. Soul daughter Adriane and I immediately performed CPR, to no avail. After sitting in stunned silence for a while, I mentioned I had planned on this happening eventually. The very next morning – no time to sit shiva – we went out and bought a 55” LED HDTV, 240 mHz, with Wi-Fi. Later on we enhanced the sound system and still later found a Blu-Ray player in a box of Post Toasties. Combined, the whole operation cost less than the 35” CRT it replaced – and I’m not even talking constant dollars. For the price of two-dozen movie theater outings, we can conquer Hollywood.

Nonetheless, Adriane asked why I was insistent on getting a 55” screen. I said that when she’s 60, she’ll understand. I also warned her I’ll be moving the couch a couple inches closer to the screen each year.

It is not the same as seeing a movie in a real theater… but it’s damn close, particularly on Blu-Ray. If there’s somebody babbling at the screen, chances are it’s me and I am exceptionally entertaining. The popcorn is better and comparatively free of charge. If my cellphone rings, I turn it off. There’s no driving involved. I don’t even have to get dressed – sometimes.

And there are no commercials.

Different strokes for different folks, and I’m not knocking John’s choice. I’m sure the theaters in the Flint Michigan area are less expensive than they are in the New York metro area. Still, John and I grew up going to many (if not all) of the same, glorious movie palaces that were often better than the movies they showed. If I had a chance to do that again, I’d do it in a heartbeat. And I haven’t sworn off going to the movies, but these days it’s a rare event involving a large group of friends, an impulse choice, or a multiplex in the middle of nowhere but within a short drive of whatever motel I’m staying at off an Interstate.

But I’ll try to go to a matinee.

THURSDAY: Dennis O’Neil

Hack/Slash is coming to the silver screen, and that Conan guy is getting him there.

Director Marcus Nispel, responsible for the 2011 remake of Conan The Barbarian (you saw that one, didn’t you?) has signed on to this latest adaptation of a big-time Image Comics title initially published by Devil’s Due. He replaces Fredrik Bond, who evidently thought better of the project.

Written by Martin Schenk, Stephen Susco, Justin Marks, Benjamin Magid and Todd Lincoln (thus far), the movies is scheduled for release next year.

I’m enjoying the back-and-forth between my fellow columnists Marc Alan Fishman and Michael Davis regarding DC’s New 52, but now it has come to the point where I must give Marc, ComicMix’s own Snapper Carr, some love.

(Hey, Snapper, just swallow it. We’ve already got Johnny DC writing here. No kidding.)

For a third of a year Marc has been singing the praises of the New 52 Batman to me. I’ve been reluctant to read it despite the fact that I enjoy friends’ recommendations and I respect Marc’s opinions. I’d respect Michael Davis’s opinions as well, if he ever had any. No, my problem is that Batman was one of my favorite characters until the rank and file turned him into a guy who was just as psychotic as his cadre of evildoers. That created a domino effect: the villains became psychoticer. This is the exact opposite of what happened to Mickey Mouse in the 1930s.

Fans of this stuff attacked me as an old fart who wanted the Bat to be like the 1960s teevee show. No; I’m older than that. I grew up a precocious reader during the waning days of Bill Finger and Dick Sprang and stories that were geared to a solidly pre-adolescent audience. If I had my druthers I would wipe out the past 10+ years of Bat-tales and go back to the approach best presented by (in alphabetical order) Adams, Aparo, Englehart, O’Neil, Robins and Rogers, et al. Barring that, I’d take my lead from the Batman of the animated show as professed by (in alphabetical order) Burnett, Dini, and Timm, et al. Of course, some of those efforts were adaptations of the works of Adams, Aparo, Englehart, O’Neil, Robins and Rogers, et al.

Besides, I thought “the New 52 Batman” referred to the number of Batsmen who currently inhabit DC’s new universe. How many Batmen are there today? I have no idea. I can’t count how many were there the day the previous DCU got itself ignored. Evidently, somebody thought Photoshop was for ideas and concepts as well as art. So, with all this hoo-hah between Messrs. Davis and Fishman, I decided to read the New 52 Batman. Keep in mind: I italicized “Batman,” so I’m onlyreferring to the Batman title per se. I have yet to read Detective Comics, Batwing, Wolverbat, or Batpool.

Damn. Score one for our Earth-ComicMix Snapper Carr. Batman has a Batman that isn’t an asshole. That, alone, goes a long way to restoring my faith in the character, DC Comics, and the concept of “the child is father to the man.” Like the rest of us, I have no clue how this ties into that which may or may not have gone before, but Bats is more human and less lunatic. He – or rather Bruce Wayne – is the subject of a deadly conspiracy by something called the Court of Owls (please don’t tell me that’s going to tie into the forthcoming and ill-advised Watchmen prequel). He seems a bit high-techier than he was before, and Alfred has less need to play off of Batty’s psychoses and is a better character for that.

Most important, the Batman Batman is a hero. Hero is a term of respect we bestow upon those who have earned it. A hero need not be a nice guy, but he/she/it should be, at heart, a decent human being. So far, after four issues, this Batman is a hero.

Thanks, Marc. Michael… your turn. Make a heartfelt recommendation.

THURSDAY: Dennis O’Neil

If you you’re inclined to keep an eye out, heroes pop up like Kleenex. Steve Niles just made the cut.

At the 2010 Baltimore Comic-Con Harvey Awards dinner, Mark Waid offered a courageous keynote address which offered a simple message: digital comics are here to stay, there is an international bootlegging community and we as creators and industry doyens must learn to deal with it. For this, Mark was roundly booed, hassled and harassed by his peers. Astonishingly, one of his tormentors was the otherwise quite gentlemanly Sergio Aragonés.

I don’t recall if Steve Niles was at the dinner, but if not, it’s likely he heard about it. Suggesting that any acknowledgement of those who pirate comics is akin to taking a dump on the bible. This is true throughout the media: records (yeah, it’s okay to call them “records;” look it up), movies and teevee shows, even books. And you thought nobody was reading.

The media industry’s response to this has been to advocate passage of the Stop Online Piracy Act, a.k.a. SOPA. Simply put, SOPA allows any intellectual property (IP) owner to legally compel any Internet Service Provider (a.k.a. ISP; we’re shooting for the entire alphabet this week) to kick off any website suspected of copyright infringement.

Well, here’s a clue for you. Well over 99% of the websites on the Internet infringe copyrights and trademarks. Pick-ups of news items, graphics used to illustrate anything, sound bytes and even some You Tube links – they are all infringing upon somebody’s IP. You rip off the Superman logo font because you’re artistic and just being cute? Well, that logo is a registered trademark, and you are now Lex Luthor.

So Steve, bless his 30 Days of Night heart, took a stand. “SOPA does more than go after so-called ‘piracy’ websites,” said he. “SOPA takes away all due process, shuts down any site it deems to be against the law without trial, without notification, without due process… Nobody seems to give a shit, or either they’re scared. Either way, very disappointing. I guess when it affects them they’ll get mad… I know folks are scared to speak out because a lot of us work for these companies, but we have to fight. Too much is at stake.”

He tweeted all these comments; I got them from our pals at Digital Spy, except they asterisked “shit.” We here at ComicMix are beneath that.

Here’s some facts. Every time somebody unlawfully downloads IP – and note I said “unlawfully” because it is unlawful – the media racket sees that as a lost sale. This is overwhelming bullshit. People sample, people are curious, people’s friends make a recommendation and said people check ‘em out. There’s plenty of stuff that you’d check out before laying down your plastic sight unseen. The actual number of downloads that defraud the owner (which is usually not the creator) is a fraction of the total. These downloads are still illegal, but IP moguls should pull the stick out of their ass and tell the truth when they are babbling about how much bootlegging is costing them. They are liars.

There are a great many services that allow you to legally purchase IP, and the largest of these is Apple’s iTunes, which offers music, television, movies, books, magazines, newspapers, software (a.k.a. “apps”) and probably jpg’s of papyrus scrolls. As of around October 2011 – the date varies by category – iTunes has sold over 16 billion songs, about one half-billion movies, videos and teevee shows, some 20 billion apps, and Crom knows how many books, magazines and newspapers.

Here’s the rub: in each and every one of these approximately 40,000,000,000 cases, the purchaser could have downloaded the damn thing for free. In most cases, it is far easier to illegally cop a boot than it is to purchase one. Let’s start with the fact that you don’t need to have a credit card or room left on your credit limit to procure your illegal bootie.

So. 40 billion downloads from just one – the biggest one – online merchant in a world that only houses seven billion people. That’s an average of four and one-half perfectly legal downloads for each and every person, including babies in the Amazon who don’t even have access to Amazon.

Hey! People are inherently good. Go know!

Of course SOPA is being supported by all the big IP companies, including Disney (Marvel) and Time Warner (DC). If only they were so moral about how they treat their creative talent, without whom both companies would constitute another real estate bust.

On the other side: Facebook, Google, Twitter and Wikipedia, the latter of which threatens to disappear should SOPA pass. Then students will actually have to do research, and we can’t have that.

Also standing proudly on the other side: Steve Niles. Good for you, pal.

Good grief. Now Mark Evanier is going to hate me.

Thursday: Dennis O’Neil