Category: Reviews

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Box Office Democracy: Spectre

In Casino Royale, a bartender asks James Bond if he wants his martini shaken or stirred and Bond looks back at the man and responds, “Do I look like I give a damn?” and if your theater was anything like mine the crowd went nuts. It was a clear signal that we were discarding some of the older more tired aspects of the Bond franchise.

In Spectre, Bond orders a martini, adds that he would like it “shaken not stirred” and it was a deflating moment. It was a sign that for whatever reason the people responsible for making Bond movies are no longer interested in making something exciting or fresh (or even a transparent attempt at grabbing for Bourne fans) but to make the thing they’ve made so many times before. While Casino Royale felt like a look ahead in to the 21st century of action movies Spectre is a wistful glance back at the 1970s, and that’s not what I want out of a movie anymore. Spoilers ahead.

The thing that separates Spectre from the Bond movies at all is that the plot continues its trajectory away from sweeping supervillainy and more towards personal conflict. While the eponymous organization is surely evil as their board meeting of crime activity suggests the plan they hope to execute in this film is honestly rather mundane. Spectre wants to be the technical backbone for a multinational security surveillance treaty, essentially a slightly more evil version of the Trans Pacific Partnership, a bad thing certainly but it pales in comparison to irradiating all the gold in Fort Knox or holding the world hostage with stolen atomic bombs. Perhaps this is supposed to reflect the changing face of global fear in the modern world but once I’ve accepted all these other things it just feels like lower stakes.

Where the stakes are much higher are with Bond himself. This movie goes to incredible lengths to show that all of the personal problems, depicted on-screen or otherwise, that Bond has experienced have been the direct result of the machinations of Ernst Stavro Blofield, the man in charge of this massive criminal organization. The events of the previous three films were all leading to this and it’s probably best you don’t pick at that too much because it doesn’t make much sense at all. I see what they’re going for, that it would be nice for these movies to feel a bit more personal, but I’m quite sick of hearing about Vesper at this point and it makes the film feel more generic because every action film is going for this kind of thing, the climax of this film could easily have been a Lethal Weapon finale, it doesn’t feel particularly unique.

I might be asking too much from a Bond movie. Spectre provides so many of the things we expect from these movies. There are stunning locations, beautiful cars, exquisite tight-fitting clothing for both men and women, and a healthy dose of quips in dry British accents. That’s the franchise right there, that’s enough for the vast majority of the audience and if we accept that those are the bullet points Bond movies are supposed to hit this one does a great job: I would very much like to visit Morocco, drive a DB10, look as good as Daniel Craig and be as cool as a British secret agent. This is top-notch escapist power fantasy.

I don’t understand all of the casting choices in Spectre. Dave Bautista is asked to show none of the charm he displayed in Guardians of the Galaxy as he basically plays a brick wall for Bond to bounce off of in this film. I’m not even sure he has three lines if we’re not counting screams and grunts. Christoph Waltz is a brilliant performer as ever but he gets only the bare minimum of screen time for a Bond villain. He gets to reveal his evil plan, he gets to arrange an elaborate death trap, and he gets to participate in a chase. Waltz is in one scene in the first half of the movie and that creates anticipation but also makes the rest of the events feel less important. The worst casting was Andrew Scott as the head of British intelligence. You can’t cast someone most famous for playing a scheming villain, cast him as the smarmy new authority figure and then expect to get a meaningful third act beat out of his inevitable betrayal.

Perhaps I was just wrong about what this run of Bond movies was supposed to do. It seems that they don’t want to move in a new direction for the franchise, instead it looks like they wanted to create the illusion of a brave new direction while they went and rebooted everything even further back. We have a stuffy older man as M again (sorry Ralph Fiennes), we have Moneypenny back again, we have Q delivering tricked out Aston Martins, and we have villains in elaborate remote bases with their fluffy cats and their slow avoidable death traps. Pierce Brosnan could have been in this movie; hell, with a filter or two this could have been Timothy Dalton, and that’s disappointing. This could be a modern action franchise but instead it seems willing to go back to trading in nostalgia and clichés.

REVIEW: Trainwreck

trainwreck-blu-ray-e1446935384207-5309971Amy Schumer has become quite the comedienne, taking the stage, television, and now film by storm. Trainwreck, her starring vehicle for director Judd Apatow, was my first sustained exposure to her and thought the fresh eyes could glean what the fuss is all about. Still trying to figure it out.

The story is about a woman who is professional star and a personal wreck who meets and falls for a guy, only to screw it up at much the same time she screws up her relationship with her sister, and loses her job. That it is about a woman and not a man has garnered a lot of buzz but the overall story is tired and predictable.

Apatow’s previous films have offered up fresh takes on old themes along with sharply delineated characters that avoid the clichés and bring with them a tremendous amount of heart. In The 40-Year-Old Virgin, Knocked Up, and This Is 40 were all written by him and perhaps he should have been allowed to give Schumer’s script a pass.

We’re told that Amy Townsend is the star writer for S’nuff, a magazine that makes Maxim and FHM seem tame. She is assigned to interview a sports doctor despite disliking athletics of all kinds. Her boss, Dianna (Tilda Swinton) holds out the Executive editor’s post as a carrot for taking on the work. Meantime, she is avoiding emotional entanglements, drinking, dancing, and having a series of one-night stands which seems to stem from words of advice given to her and her sister Kim (Brie Larson), by their crude father Gordon (Colin Quinn). On the other hand, she has a warm spot for dear old dad, now confined to a nursing home given his multiple sclerosis.

She finally seems to settling into a relationship with the musclebound and possibly closeted Steven (John Cena). Despite being rude and crude, he gets his heart broken when Steven discovers Amy has been sleeping around and tells her she’s not a nice person and honestly, she isn’t.

That starts to change when she beings to interview the near-perfect Aaron Conners (Bill Hader) and a softer side seems to emerge. Over a period of time, she falls for the doctor and they begin to date and she’s having her first genuine adult relationship. She doesn’t want to screw it up but of course does, triggered in part by her father’s sudden death. She spirals downward just as one would expect towards the end of Act Two.

Everything comes crashing down around her until she finally hits bottom and rebounds making amends first with Kim then with Aaron. Her final over-the-top act comes out of the blue and is intended to be a showstopper when it just stops. They still kiss and all will be well. Awww.

Amy and Aaron, though, are deeply under-developed characters and you are not emotionally invested in either nor is there real warmth and chemistry between the performers. In fact, Aaron seems more himself with his patients including LeBron James, who provides as adept with comedy as he is with a basketball, stealing every scene he’s in.

Schumer may be a gifted talent but it’s not on display her since Amy is unlikable, the humor is tame, and nothing feels new and different, just tired and by the numbers. None of the supporting characters feel fleshed out, spoiling a rich ensemble.

Universal Home Entertainment has released the film in a combo pack that includes Blu-ray, DVD, and Digital HD. Additionally, both discs come with the theatrical version and a four-minute longer unrated version. From what I can tell, there’s just more, nothing earth-shattering and special.

The film comes with a nice assortment of Special Features including additional Deleted and Extended Scenes; a two-part Gag Reel; Lin-o-Rama, where several actors are shown ad libbing for scenes; a traditional Behind-The-Scenes featurette; Directing Athletes: A Blood Sport , a more scripted than not look at working with James, Tony Romo, and Amar’e Stoudemire; The Dogwalker, the complete film-within-a-film starring Daniel Radcliffe and Marisa Tomei; and finally, from Comedy Central, the Trainwreck Comedy Tour Featurette.

John Ostrander and The Humbug Murders

humbug-murders-4366775I’m a big fan of Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol. I try to read it every Christmas, I watch multiple versions of it during the holiday season (including a half hour animated version starring Mister Magoo), and in my acting days I performed in the annual theater production of it at Chicago’s Goodman Theater. For the record, I played in the all-important parts of Mr. Lean, Fred’s friend number 3, dancing man, and ensemble.

Coming across a mystery called The Humbug Murders – An Ebenezer Scrooge Mystery by L.J. Oliver, I was quickly drawn in. Not without some hesitation; the notion of Dickens’ notorious miser acting as a detective rattled my chains a bit. Still, I decided to give it a chance.

For the most part, it works. L.J. Oliver is a pen name for Scott Ciencin and Elizabeth Wilson, both of whom are experienced authors. Sadly, Ciencin died in 2014. The story takes place in 1833 when Scrooge was still a relatively young man, only a few years removed from his days working for Mister Fezziwig. The story includes quite a number of characters from different Dickens’ novel as well as a young Dickens himself, still a reporter at this point.

I usually have trouble when authors place characters and creators in the same story. For example, I’ve seen Sherlock Holmes stories were Arthur Conan Doyle is also a character and it is said that Doyle is the “literary agent” of Doctor Watson. These arrangements suggest that the author didn’t have the imagination to create his/her own characters and, as an author, I dislike that insinuation.

Also, I had to reconcile the Scrooge in this mystery with the Scrooge I knew from A Christmas Carol. That was a bit difficult. It was hard to imagine the Scrooge that I already knew having had the experiences he had in this story and still becoming the same man. However, I simply decided that this was the Scrooge of an alternate, parallel dimension. Hey, I work in comics; alternate dimensions are an everyday occurrence where I come from.

In The Humbug Murders, Old Fezziwig, Scrooge’s former employer, has been brutally murdered. (The story has a goodly amount of rather graphic violence and touches on some lurid depravity, all of which may bother some folks.) Scrooge is a suspect and finds himself drawn into the mystery. A masked murderer calling himself Humbug is guilty of the crime and Old Fezziwig’s ghost (of course there are ghosts in the story), appearing to Ebenezer, says three more deaths will follow and that Scrooge himself will be the last victim. Unless, of course, the killer can be caught first.

The authors know the era and the locale, especially the less savory neighborhoods in London. They also know their Dickens and sometimes get a little cute in borrowing lines from A Christmas Carol. It sort of shouts “See how clever I am!” It also took me a little out of the story which an author should never do.

The reveal is a little difficult, requiring the killer to monologue in order to bring it all together. Scrooge himself, although a keen observer of humanity, doesn’t really uncover Humbug’s identity. The lead female character also comes across as a bit of a Mary Sue – the somewhat idealized projection of the female author.

Mostly, it’s a good mystery although I did spot the true killer some fifty pages before the reveal. It didn’t take away from my enjoyment of the book, however. The ending promises a possible sequel which I wouldn’t mind reading although, since Mr. Ciencin died, that may be problematic. It was not a waste of my money which, no doubt, Mister Scrooge would consider a high compliment.

3.5 stars out of five.

Box Office Democracy: “Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse”

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In his wildly popular book on screenwriting [[[Save the Cat!]]], Blake Snyder suggests that every movie needs to fulfill the promise of the premise; to give the audience all of the things they expect to see in the movie based on the title and the promotional materials. You can’t make Legally Blonde without having scenes where a ditzy girl applies her skills as a socialite to the buttoned-up world of law school and you can’t make Star Wars without having some interstellar battles. Unfortunately, Scouts Guide to the Apocalypse didn’t take this to heart as it’s a generic teen comedy layered on top of a generic zombie movie with just a sprinkling of the scout gimmick tacked on mainly at the end. It results in a movie that feels tired and unoriginal.

Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse colors inside the lines very closely. It hits all of the teen comedy beats you know and love, including: kids who want to ditch an uncool friend so they can appear more attractive, kids who get invited to a party by people much cooler than them, awkward teen who doesn’t know to deal with a crush, oversexed teen who pursues sexual gratification at inappropriate times. They take these well-worn classics and slap on a quick zombie overlay and call it a day. This is a movie that feels like Superbad meets Dawn of the Dead, but instead of being those movies they’re the off-brand knock-offs you would find in the bargain bin at a Wal-Mart. Even at its highest highs, Scouts Guide doesn’t feel like it touches the splendor of the movies it copies.

That’s not to say that there isn’t good comedy in here, because there is, they just do the damndest job hiding it. There’s a joke in this movie involving grabbing on to a zombie while falling out a window that I laughed harder at than anything I’ve seen in months. That joke comes well past the halfway point and I had pretty much given up on the entire film at that point so to get such a huge, genuine, reaction from me at that point was practically a miracle. Where was anything near this funny the rest of the way through? I saw two groups of people walk out of the theater before this sequence; they needed to do a better job keeping people engaged. The whole first act was plagued by jokes that the movie clearly thought were funny falling flat and later there are plenty of funny ideas that don’t get enough space and simply die on the vine (zombie cats being the most egregious example). A zombie singing a duet of a Britney Spears song with the main character got a whole chorus.

This is the kind of movie where I can’t help but wonder if there was some kind of tragic problem in the production process that led to such an uneven effort. Three people share the screenplay and story credits, an arrangement that might hint at some kind of dispute over a rewrite. It’s also a hard R movie that I can’t understand how it would appeal to anyone over the age of 17, so this might be a token theatrical run hoping it has a long tail as a cult classic movie passed back in forth as a contraband DVD at middle school sleepovers for years to come. I want to believe that some conflict or secret conspiracy is behind this failure because it’s a movie that fails to live up to a halfway clever title, and that’s just a failure so sad it defies belief.

Tweeks: My Favorite Martian Complete Series DVD Set Review

As fans of shows like Bewitched, I Dream of Jeannie, and Mork & Mindy, we already knew we enjoyed the sitcom stylings of magical mishaps in real life, so we were kind of excited to check out this 60th Anniversary DVD collection by MPI Home Video of My Favorite Martian. For those of you who don’t know (because we didn’t), My Favorite Martian aired on CBS from 1963 – 1966 and pretty much started the whole genre of fantasty/sci-fi TV comedies. The show is about Tim O’Hara (played by Bill Bixby), a newspaper reporter who meets a Martian (played by Ray Walston) and keeps him as his “Uncle Martin.” For three seasons, chaos and hilarity ensue as Uncle Martin’s Martian magic powers get in the way of living a regular Earthling life.

This is the first time all the episodes (107 of them – all unedited & digitally re-mastered) have been put together in the same DVD set. It’s pretty cool for full family watching and also has a bunch of special features for those who might have been big fans of the show back in the day. There’s stuff like Behind-The-Scene Home Movies, Original Commercials, Spaceship Miniature Test Footage, Ray Walston Game Show & Talk Show Appearances, and a radio show interview with Bixby and Walston talking to Lucille Ball. This week Anya reviews it all and Maddy lends a hand in answering Anya’s tough questions like “Who decided Martians have super powers on Earth?” and “Are Aliens real?”

REVIEW: Terminator Genesys

terminator-genesys-cover-e1445723173785-2671516There was a wonderful science fiction romance in James Cameron’s original 1984 film The Terminator. It had a touch of everything: time travel, killer androids, romance, and hints of a technology gone haywire. It was shot on a modest budget with a familiar but not star cast, anchored by the hulking presence of Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Ever since, though, the sequels have tended to eschew the original themes in favor of retreading immortal lines of dialogue, action pieces, and the eternal struggle between man and machine. With the exception of the first sequel, which introduced the world to the joys of CGI, they have been a middling mess. Even Fox’s The Sarah Connor Chronicles had more to do with a terminator trying to kill Sarah and/or John Connor than the large themes of man versus technology.

sarah-connor-9445900Therefore, it was refreshing to get back to basics in this summer’s Terminator Genesys.  The property is now in the hands of Paramount Pictures that wanted to refresh and reinvigorate the franchise. The reboot, out Tuesday on disc from Paramount Home Entertainment, does not ignore what came before it, but does also carve out a reality of its own. Right there is one of the more confounding aspects of the premise, since it starts in a parallel timeline merely paying lip service to the prime timeline (a similar conceit occurred in 2009’s Star Trek, also from Paramount). By presupposing you know the core elements, it defeats the fresh start aspect, keeping new audiences from falling in love with the T-800, Sarah, John, and Kyle Reese.

terminator-genesys-8804495The script from Patrick Lussier (Dracula 2000) and Laeta Kalogridis (Birds of Prey, Bionic Woman) requires a flow chart to determine which characters and elements belong to which timeline. We have a final showdown with Skynet in 2029, which has the human resistance accessing their time travel device. John Connor (Jason Clarke) sends his best friend Kyle Reese (Jai Courtney) back to 1984 in order to protect Sarah Connor (Emilia Clarke) from the T-800 (Arnold Schwarzenegger) he knows will be sent to kill her. However, Reese arrives to see a T-1000 (Lee Byung-hun) on the attack and the Sarah he meets already knows her future. And more, she’s protected by an aging T-800 she calls “Pops”.

The timelines are altered the moment Reese is sent back in time and he crosses paths with his younger self who passes on the message, “Genesys is Skynet”. He knows what he needs to do but it immediately puts him at odds with Sarah, who hates feeling trapped by fate, reminded regularly by Pops that she is destined to mate with Kyle in order to produce John. He convinces her to come with him to 2017 to prevent Genesys, the killer app that will totally connect everyone and every device (I guess Linux, iOS and Windows) in one massive network. It would also give rise to the artificial intelligence that becomes Skynet (and takes shapes as Matthew Smith) and will determine humanity must be eradicated.

Then things blow up a lot.

arnold_schwarzenegger_terminator_genisys-wide-1940x1212-e1445723257368-3644848By the exhausting conclusion, people and things are put into place establishing a new status quo, a timeline not beholden to anything that came before. As a reboot, it’s fine. As a movie, it lacks some of the needed warmth and reason to exist. The post-credit scene hinting at a sequel was entirely superfluous and given the dismal box office, Paramount’s sequel plans are on indefinite hold. Producer Dana Goldberg admitted last month that they are taking time to find out what didn’t work for audiences so they can retool and try again. They’d better hurry since Arnold is already 67.

Emilia Clarke makes for a marvelous Daenerys on Game of Thrones but frequently lacks the steeliness we expect from Sarah, as previously depicted by Linda Hamilton and Lena Heady. On the other hand, she brings a warmth and humanity to Sarah not seen since the first film. Her chemistry with Schwarzenegger is strong, allowing us to enjoy his performance, which can border on self-mockery.

terminator-genesys-1-2414350Courtney and Jason Clarke are far too earnest and saddled with stiff dialogue, robbing them of chances to be real people rather than archetypes.

Still, the scene stealer throughout the film is J.K. Simmons as a cop who witnessed the events in 1984 and is the only one to believe Sarah and Kyle in 2017.

Visually, Alan Taylor (Thor: The Dark World) does a nice job with the sets, special effects, and action sequences. He’s less successful with people which is odd considering he cut his teeth on the character-heavy series Homicide, Oz, The Sopranos, and even Thrones.

The movie looks terrific on screen with a nice high definition transfer.  The Dolby Atmos sound track is even better so the hoe viewing experience is a strong one.

There are various versions to pick from including the standard Blu-ray, DVD, and Digital HD combo which was reviewed. The Blu-ray comes with just three bonus features: Family Dynamics, a look at the casting process as the crew extolls their various virtues; Infiltration and Termination, which explores the location shooting in San Francisco and New Orleans; and Upgrades: VFX of Terminator Genesis. No deleted scenes, commentary, or even gag reel.

Tweeks: Supergirl Review

Supergirl premiered on CBS Monday night setting a Fall series record of 14 million viewers. It was an undeniable teen hit with both boys and girls. And of course we watched it too.

But as critical fans of all things being superhero-y while female, did we enjoy it? Duh. But was her costume Tweeks Approved too? How does this show stack up against Agent Carter? Considering the middle school pressure to blend in would we keep their superhero powers a secret? Watch our review to find out the answers.

REVIEW: James Bond Limited Edition Blu-ray Steelbooks

steelbook-blu-ray-james-bond-casino-royaleJames Bond endures, with the 24th film, Spectre, scheduled to open November 6. The sinister organization has plagued 007 from the earliest films but have yet to rear their hoary heads in the current incarnation with Daniel Craig as Bond.

For those who are new to MI-6 and international espionage, Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Studios (MGM) and Twentieth Century Fox Home Entertainment want you to come up to speed. To that end, they have released seven of the films in special edition Blu-rays, DVDs and collectible box-sets.

The Limited Edition Blu-ray Steelbooks spotlight the six films featuring the SPECTRE organization (From Russia With Love, Thunderball, You Only Live Twice, On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, Diamonds Are Forever, For Your Eyes Only) and the three recent features (Casino Royale, Quantum of Solace, Skyfall) each featuring packaging inspired by the films’ iconic opening title sequences.

steelbook-james-bond-collection-e1445724046972-3845363For those who own these in some other high definition incarnation, you won’t need these. They contain the same special features although they do come with Digital HD codes.

The Steelbooks are solid, durable and visually attractive. Each one is distinctive just like their title sequences, carrying on the Maurice Binder tradition.

So, how do the films hold up? Sean Connery set the tone all others have attempted to match with varying degrees of success. The Cold War tensions infuse Russia along with some thrilling, authentic action sequences. A real sense of spectacle can be found on Thunderball, given all the aquatic Deering-do. Ernst Stavro Blofeld, played by a variety of actors, menaces Bond time and again but the worst may well be in On Her Majesty’s Secret service, the once-reviled George Lazenby vehicle. It is far better than its rep and packs an emotional wallop.

Roger Moore’s more erudite and comical Bond shows up in For Your Eyes Only and is among the best of his outings.

It is currently up to Craig to carry on the tradition and despite looking nothing like Ian Fleming’s prose descriptions, he brings the right danger and gravitas to the role as the franchise received an overdue freshening. The rebirth cycle took three films with Spectre tidying up loose ends.

If you don’t want the entire 23 films (and some are clearly lesser offerings), the Steelbooks are not a bad sampler to have.

If you missed Bond 50, there is also The Ultimate James Bond Collection features all 23 films together in one Blu-ray box-set, which includes a 24th space for Spectre. This one also offers “Everything or Nothing”, a 90-minute documentary on the untold story of 007 and a pocket-sized James Bond 50 Years of Movie Posters book including the best posters from Dr. No through to SPECTRE.  This collection will is exclusively available at Amazon.com.

REVIEW: Edward Scissorhands: 25th Anniversary

Edward-Scissorhands1-e1439324392425Too often filmmakers interpret or reinterpret works from other media, nowhere near often enough creating new characters and situations. Look at Tim Burton, for example, he started off taking Pee Wee Herman and producing a feature version of his television series. He returned with the original and still funny Beetlejuice before tackling his version of Batman. Since then, he has not given us anywhere near enough original fare but all can be forgiven if you pause to consider Edward Scissorhands. Thankfully, 20th Century Home Entertainment has seen fit to cause us to consider the film since it has released Edward Scissorhands: 25th Anniversary on Blu-ray.

edward-scissorhands-and-peg-e1445723827847-6800211When it opened a quarter century back, I adored it, calling the Johnny Depp vehicle as a modern day fairy tale and it still holds up. I last watched it two years ago, showing it to my 9th graders as part of a film unit. They were taken by the visuals and the story, the timeless look of suburban America and the universal theme of fear of the unknown.

Up on the mountain outside the small community, an inventor (Vincent Price) has created life but lacked the ability to complete the boy (Johnny Depp), giving him a variety of shears for hands. In time, just before he could apply the hands as a birthday gift, the man dies of old age and Edward lives in the musty castle all alone. That is, until local Avon saleswoman Peg Boggs finds him and decides to bring him home to live with her family: husband Ed (Alan Arkin), shy daughter Kim (Wynona Ryder), and son.

edward-scissorhands-and-KimOnce they and their neighbors see Edward can use his bizarre appendages to design gorgeous topiary, they flock to be near him. He goes on to become a much-desired hair dresser, revealing new aspects of each woman’s personality. Along the way, he continues to long for Kim, who is freaked out by him, and prefers the company of her stoner, small-minded friends.

Then things take a turn for the worst and suddenly Edward is haunted, haunted, and literally run out of town for being too different. It is very much representative of the 1950s mindset although the pastel color scheme has a more timeless feel. The lovers are separated by fear and hatred giving us a bittersweet ending, without a happily ever after.

The film is narrated, much like a good old fashioned fairy tale, by a grandmother, and frames the tale as something magical.

Visually, the movie has Burton’s usual quirky sensibilities but they’re strong and totally appropriate to the subject matter. The Danny Elfman score is also pitch perfect.

Fox has remastered the film and it sparkles in its AVC encoded 1080p transfer in 1.85:1.  The DTS-HD Master Audio 4.0 track is a match to the visuals and it is a joy to watch.

Given the film’s age, there’s little surprise that the special features are a meager lot. It starts with a standard EPK package (4:39). We also have Theatrical Trailers (4:17).  There are commentaries on separate tracks from Burton and Elfman, which can be interesting but far from revelatory. An anniversary package deserves a little more TLC so it’s a wee bit disappointing but overall, this is well worth having.

Box Office Democracy: The Last Witch Hunter

vin-diesel-leads-the-all-star-cast-of-new-fantasy-flick-the-last-witch-hunter-the-last-382001-1304128

The most painful thing about The Last Witch Hunter is how clear it is that Vin Diesel is passionate about the material and is having an amazing time. Almost every profile piece I’ve ever read on Diesel has mentioned his love of Dungeons & Dragons, or that he wrote the introduction for their 30th anniversary retrospective book, or that his character in xXx had a tattoo with the name of his D&D character on his stomach; his nerd credentials are beyond reproach and they’re on full display in this film. Unfortunately instead of turning that knowledge and experience in to a quality fantasy movie, we’re given a film that is about as interesting as listening to the guy behind you in line for Star Wars tell you stories about how amazing his character is in his buddy’s D&D game.

The Last Witch Hunter suffers immensely from a lack of stakes. It features an immortal badass killer, Kaulder, who not only can’t die but any injury he suffers heals instantly Wolverine-style. All of the supporting characters are seemingly introduced immediately before being put in peril so you have to really bond with them quickly to feel anything at all for them. Michael Caine, the only actor in the cast capable enough to overcome this script problem, is imperiled off-screen and is afflicted with some kind of curse that is barely explained nonsense seemingly designed so they could have their emotional moment but still bring Caine back for the sequel. Things ramp up dramatically toward the end of the movie when they strip Kaulder of his immortality and directly imperil the entire world or maybe just New York City (and honestly is there even a difference) but by then I was just too far-gone to care.

Reportedly, this script came about from Vin Diesel telling one of the screenwriters about one of his Dungeons & Dragons characters. While I’m not sure any movie should come about through a story like that, it makes his investment in this movie palpable. He believes in his character and every silly nonsense word that comes out of his mouth. In a weird way, it’s one of my favorite performances of his career because he’s trying to put this movie on his back and just make it better through sheer force of acting. Diesel isn’t on that rare level where he can make a movie better just by trying harder, but I can appreciate that effort even if it isn’t quite enough.

There isn’t enough original stuff in this movie to make it feel worth the time and effort of making it. Fantasy is so well trod these days there’s nothing in the flashback scenes that I haven’t seen in Game of Thrones, or Lord of the Rings, or even How to Train Your Dragon. The contemporary stuff at its very best feels like a slightly reskinned version of Men in Black and at worst like an episode of Charmed. I sort of liked their take on a bar for witches (even if that’s not exactly new ground) but my enthusiasm was dashed when the place is destroyed within five minutes of being introduced on screen. Nothing feels like a fresh take, or a new use of metaphor, or a deeper look at a theme, it’s just recycling stuff we’ve seen and hoping the new arrangement proves compelling and it doesn’t.

I often complain about movies feeling too compact or too drawn out, and The Last Witch Hunter is in a strange limbo in between. Everything feels too rushed and there isn’t any space for the story to breathe or for the characters to reveal themselves to us, but also I left that 106-minute movie convinced it had been two and a half hours long. It might be an impossible task to make this a compelling film narrative. This is a story that would work much better in a novel: it would have proper space to build, internal monologues could make exposition a little less clunky, and the stakes could be more clearly defined.

Unfortunately, I don’t think I would want to read that novel either.

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