I was too young to buy the 1962 Topps trading card series, [[[Mars Attacks]]], and grew up hearing about these wonderful cards and was delighted when a facsimile edition was released in the 1990s. Others, though, were clearly inspired by them and when he was in a position to do pretty much whatever he wanted, director Tim Burton said he wanted to use the cards for a loving tribute to the goofy SF movies of the 1950s.

He turned to Jonathan Gems to write the story and then the first screenplay but as 1993 turned to 1994, it was clear he wasn’t delivering what the visionary director wanted. Instead, he gave the assignment to Scott Alexander and Larry Karaszewski, who gave him a sprawling story set in Washington and Las Vegas, giving a meaty part to the President of the United States so Burton could attract some big name talent. And the cast is stuffed with wonderful performers in parts great and small including Jack Nicholson (as the Prez), Glenn Close, Annette Bening, Pierce Brosnan, Danny DeVito, Martin Short, Sarah Jessica Parker, Natalie Portman, Rod Steiger, Michael J. Fox, Lukas Haas, Jim Brown, Tom Jones, Jack Black, Sylvia Sydney, Paul Winfield, and Pam Grier.

Part of the film’s fun turned out to be watching these celebrities get blown to bits by the aliens as their invasion of Earth continued unimpeded.

Costing a then-eye-popping $80 million, Warner Bros. heavily promoted the feature but it opened to decidedly mixed reviews and very poor box office. When I went to see it with a select group of pals, I loved it. Of course, I was the prime audience and “got it” while others couldn’t fathom the satirical aspects or homages to many other cheesy productions. The film became one of the first released by Warner on DVD and finally, this week; it comes out on blu-ray.

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When [[[The Matrix]]] burst on to the scene in 1999, we were wowed. Not only was it visually dazzling, but it seemed like a delightful science fiction concept that made you think. The backstory seemed fascinating and viewers wanted more, which Warner Bros and the Wachowski Brothers delivered. Now we know to be careful for what we wish since the two sequels really didn’t live up to the expectations. And maybe they couldn’t since there was just enough background material conceived to make the main story plausible. The Wachowskis clearly didn’t have a sequel in mind and when asked to fabricate one or two, they had to not only top the thrill of the first, but make their imaginary realm come alive.

[[[Matrix Reloaded]]] and [[[Matrix Revolution]]] were loud, noisy affairs that really didn’t make us fall deeper in love with the characters or trippy world. In 2007, Warner Home Video collected the trio of films and released them in the then current HD-DVD and Blu-ay formats and now, the first sequel, Matrix Reloaded, is being released as a single disc.

In this installment, we delve deeper into the Matrix philosophy, gaining greater understanding of how things got so convoluted and so out of control. We open with Neo (Keanu Reeves) the acknowledge Messiah and he has been busy, freeing humans from the control of the world-dominating computers that have taken control of the ravaged planet. Morpheus (Laurence Fishburne) remains his prime disciple and speaks for him in Zion, the underground city for the free humans. There’s a faction that wants a military solution to end the machine threat once and for all. Neo thinks there’s another way and sets out to prove it, complicated by the resurrected form of Agent Smith (Hugo Weaving) who is out to destroy the humans’ savior. Introduced into the mix is Niobe (Jada Pinkett-Smith), a pilot and former lover to Morpheus and they go hunting for the Keymaker, possessor of secrets.

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Five hundred dollars.

When people talk about putting regular, old-fashioned comic books online, keep that $500 in mind.

That’s about how much it costs for an average page of comic book art, in terms of labor. Figure $100 for the writer, $150 for the penciller, $130 for the inker, $90 for the colorist, and $30 for the letterer. Those numbers go up and
down depending on talent and publishers, but that’s a nice round number for us to work with.

Let’s consider another number: 22. That’s the average page count for a monthly comic book story. It’s also the number of pages most average pencillers can produce a month. Neat coincidence.

Now start multiplying. That means a penciller will make $3300 a month, or $39,600 a year. With covers, round that up to $42 grand a year. Not a lot of cash there. And the penciller’s the highest paid talent on the book. A writer will make $2200 a month, and nobody pays him to write covers. He’ll probably have to write two books a month to make his nut. And so on.

But if you’re expecting professionals to create your comics, that’s what you’ll have to spend.

Graphic novels? From scratch? You’re looking at about 120 pages minimum– that’s $60,000 in labor costs. Unless you’re economizing and doing a lot of the work yourself, that’s going to almost insurmountable unless it’s commissioned by somebody– most writers don’t have a spare $48,000 to spend on an outside artist. This, of course, is one reason why many “literary” graphic novels are solo jobs– David Mazzuchelli, Darwyn Cooke, Alison Bechdel, Brian Fies, et cetera– because the economics simply aren’t there to support five hungry mouths.

Any proposal for getting books in print in paper– or publishing online– has to keep those numbers in mind. You either have to generate enough money to cover those upfront costs, or find some way to mitigate or reduce them.

So how would you do it? (And no, you can’t pay in Monopoly money.)

Is there a single person on the planet who could actually make me feel sorry for that walking train-wreck, Lindsay Lohan? Well, as it turns out, there is!

Just before his 60th Muscular Dystrophy Telethon this weekend, 84 year-old Jerry Lewis discussed Lindsay Lohan specifically and some of his fellow craftspeople generically on the syndicated teevee gossipfest Inside Edition. “I think they need a fucking spanking and a reprimand,” Jerry Lewis said.

Wow, Jerry. 
So you want to spank a 24 year-old woman, huh? Well, I understand a lot of old geezers feel that way.
Okay, so you’ve got a father complex. But exactly what sort of father do you want to be? One who beats his kids?

Zeroing in on Lohan, Jerry Lewis went on to rant “I’d smack her in the mouth if I saw her. I’d smack her in the mouth and be arrested for abusing a woman.” Gee, Jerry, ya think? By the way, you’d also go down for assault and battery. And probably hate crime. “I would say ‘you deserve this and nothing else.’ Whack! And then if she’s not satisfied, I’d put her over my knee and spank her.”

If she’s not satisfied?
Is that how you satisfy women, you sad pathetic has been?

Hokey smokes, Jerry! And to think Mel Gibson got his badass self in trouble while you get to go on teevee and act condescendingly toward your children.

Lohan’s got enough of her own problems, and Jerry, so do you.