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Breaking: Brett Ratner to Kill ‘Conan’

brett-ratner-3503942Brett Ratner has unsheathed his cinematic broadsword to impale the tender teat of the much beloved barbarian, Conan.

Ain’t It Cool News reports that "it appears to be official that Brett Ratner is directing [Conan]." According to the Web site, the film’s scribe Howard McCain (Outlander) "had some big plans for how to structure the film," drawing inspirations from the original Robert Howard stories rather than the John Milius directed Conan the Barbarian.

"I could tell the material was in the right hands," says AICN’s Moriarty of McCain after the two met earlier this year. But with the news of Ratner’s involvement, Moriarty describes his excitement level as falling "through the floor."

"Oh, Brett… why do you want to hurt me? Why do you want to make this movie?" writes Moriarty. "Please, please, please tell me it’s because you have a genuine passion for the material and not just because it’s a start date and a financing package that’s ready to go. Please tell me that you really care about the character and its history, and not that it’s just ‘Hey, I recognize that name.’"

Ratner is also attached to direct God of War, Playboy, Hong Kong Phooey, Beverly Hills Cop, Guitar Hero, Denver the Last Dinosaur, Captain Planet and a remake of X-Men: The Last Stand. Okay, those last three are fake, but let’s get serious for a moment. Brett Ratner directing God of War? Okay, fine. The property hasn’t been around long enough to be seriously offensive. Playboy, Guitar Hero? Screw it, go bananas, video games and sexy women sound right up your alley.

But Conan? Good freaking gravy. It’s bad enough that Ratner’s poised to spread his film feces all over Axel Foley’s face, now we have to watch the director hack away at what should be a truly incredible movie. Honestly, how does Ratner have all this time to ruin our childhood memories? He’s attached to direct six different movies right now. For reemphasis, let’s quote the late Heath Ledger’s Joker: "Six!"

Clearly Ratner has perfected cloning technology. The world will soon be swarming with millions of his Rat-creatures, sucking out man brains like so much fruit punch and repopulating the human race with his genetically mutated army.

Either that, or Ratner’s a Highlander and has been consuming other Highlanders’ powers for centuries, in which case all we need to do is collectively chop off his head. With the unified rage of the fan community, that might not be so hard to pull off.

Feel free to commiserate and plan your battle strategies in the comments field below.

Anime ‘Witchblade’ Episode Available for Free

Fans of FUNmation’s anime Witchblade series can download the first episodes from Apple’s iTunes store for free through October 26.  The other episodes retail for $1.99 each or $38.99 for the entire season.

Witchblade, of course, is the star character from Top Cow and headed for a feature film after also having been seen as a live-action television character. In Japan, Gonzo Digitmation introduced an anime version complete with new host for the mystical artifact. The young girl, Masane, starred in a 24-episode run in 2006. Animation writer Yasuko Kobayashi crafted an entirely different story and host for a series of Manga, also from Gonzo.

Witchblade: Takeru
began its run in March 2006 in Champion Red from publisher Akita Shoten with art by Kazyuasa Sumita.

Witchblade AnimeTokuma Shoten and Uno Majoto, Witchblade anime veterans, also produced Witchblade Lost Generation: Midori no Shōjo, beginning in August 2006. The host, Yuri Miyazono, has inherited the artifact from Takeru Ibaraki.
 

The Top 10 Reasons The Comic Industry Must Destroy The Fashion Industry … by Michael Davis

I sit here amazed that I still live in the HELL HOLE which is Los Angeles. I’m getting more and more pissed at myself for being here. Why? Well, earlier this week there was a real possibility that I could have lost my home to one of the many massive fires that went through part of L.A. like McCain went though “Joe the goddamn plumber” references.

WHAT the Hell was that about? With all the Joe Six Pack and Joe The Plumber stupid anecdotes being thrown around, I can see the next ad from McCain:

VO: John McCain. An American Hero.

Image: McCain in his military Uniform.

VO: John McCain spent 5 years as a P.O.W.

Image: McCain in captivity.

VO: His cellmate will tell you that McCain stood firm in the face of the enemy.

Image: G.I. Joe Action figure.

G.I. Joe: He never threw me away … never.

VO: I’m John McCain and I approve this message.

As Peter David says, I digress.

Instead of being pissed at myself (which is clearly silly as I am damn near perfect in every way) I will instead address my ire at the fashion industry. It’s no secret I HATE the fashion industry. One of my first rants when I started writing this column was about my confrontation with a super model and her boy toy. Or as I like to refer to her, that skinny little Ho that needs a sandwich so she can throw it up bitch.Long story short: she told me to get a real job when I mentioned I worked in comics. A model telling anyone to get a real job is like a porn star having issues with YOUR morals.

This is the same fashion industry that owes the term “super model” to us in the comics industry. Without that term (which WE own) what would they call these “ultra” models? (more…)

Ultimatum Trailer

Just in case you didn’t get enough advertising concerning the upcoming Ultimatum crossover, Marvel.com has released a trailer for it.

"They killed his children. They called his species a disease. They thought they were the ultimate race. Now he will have his retribution."

‘Baldo’ Invites ‘El Muerto’ to Day of the Dead Festivities

Starting October 27, Baldo will crossover with Javier Hernandez’s El Muerto for a week long event celebrating the Day of the Dead.

Baldo, a strip from Hector Cantu and Carlos Castellanos, features a Latin American middle class family living in America. The title character is a teenager who goes to school and works part-time at an auto parts store. He’s tormented by his brilliant activist younger sister and counseled by his loving father and grandmother.

Hernandez created El Muerto in 1998 and it features Diego de la Muerte, “who, while on his way to a Dia de los Muertos festival, is abducted by Aztec gods only to return to Earth a year later with supernatural powers.” Hernandez published the comic book erratically through the last decade only to suspend print in 2003 and has promised a digital incarnation. It ahs a devoted following and was featured in an award winning independent film starring Wilmer Valderrama.

According to Editor & Publisher, this is the third time Baldo, distributed to 225 papers across America, has featured a Latin American comic book character.  In 2005, the strip was visited by Richard Dominguez’s El Gato Negro, another independent comic book. Lela Lee’s Angry Little Girls! paid a visit the following year.

"The Day of the Dead is a special holiday for lots of Latinos and we thought this was a unique way for Baldo and his family to pray for and remember a special loved one in their lives," Cantu said.
 

‘New Moon’ Rises at Summit

The always entertaining Nikki Finke at Deadline Hollywood reports the unsurprising news that Summit Entertainment is already readying the sequel to Twilight.  New Moon is the second book in the quartet of Stephenie Meyer novels and introduces Jacob Black the werewolf heartthrob to complicate Bella Swan’s life.

Finke goes on to note that the unreleased soundtrack album is among the Top 5 Best-Selling Albums on Amazon and Borders’ exclusive 2009 calendar sold out its first printing in days. None of this is a surprise given the book series’ sales alone plus the reaction among the teenyboppers and their moms at Comic-Con International this summer.  Clearly, this is one hot property, the kind of phenomenon usually reserved for Elvis or boy wizards (and Twilight opens November 21, taking the spot vacated by that same boy).

She goes on to report that the film may have cost a bargain at $37 million and even if they spend an additional $30 million on promotion, it’s all at bargain prices compared with other Hollywood productions such as the $180 million spent on The Dark Knight’s production alone.  Clearly, the film will bring in oodles of cash to Summit, allowing them to fund the second film (and third and fourth) in addition to new productions.
 

Rossio, Spotnitz Blog Their Reactions

Blogs can be revealing as creators tend to sound off when executives to tell the press one thing or another.  Take for example; Pirates of the Caribbean co-scribe Terry Rossio.  After all the hubbub at Disney’s recent press announcement about a fourth installment, he posted the other day:

“For the record, none of the recent Pirates 4 rumors have any truth, including the so-called record 50 million dollar payday for Depp.

“Some pretty funny stuff, though. Sacha Cohen? Tim Burton? Studios are way too protective of their franchises for that sort of thing.”

And now that Tom Rothman, head of 20th-Century Fox, has said he’s actually open to a third X-Files feature, despite the poor reaction to this summer’s movie, producer Frank Spotnitz was inundated with links from fans, wanting a reaction.

His response to the fans: “I was encouraged to read Tom Rothman’s remarks as well. I anticipated the studio would wait until after the release of the DVD to make any decision regarding a third movie, but I will let you know if we end up having any news before then.”
 

‘The Road’ May Detour Towards 2009

the-road-2-2365452Post-production delays may torpedo The Road’s chances of opening in 2008.  The film, starring Viggo Mortensen and based on Cormac McCarthy’s acclaimed novel, was originally scheduled for a November 14, but has been slipped to December and if the work is not completed may miss the year entirely. 

The story, directed by John Hillcoat, features Mortensen as a father taking his son across a post-apocalyptic American landscape. The novel was awarded the Pulitzer Prize for Fiction and the 2006 James Tait Black Memorial Prize for Fiction. In June, Entertainment Weekly named The Road the best book, fiction or non-fiction, of the past 25 years.

As noted in The Hollywood Reporter, given that last year’s No Country for Old Men, based on a another McCarthy novel, took the Best Picture at the Academy Awards and Mortensen, now on screen in Apaloosa, received an acting nomination for Eastern Promises, The Weinstein Company had pinned similar hopes for this feature.

Harvey Weinstein will determine the current status of post-production and his execs will make a final decision today.  Meantime, hedging his bets, Weinstein has started the publicity machine for December’s The Reader, which may take pressure off The Road.
 

Review: Futurama: Bender’s Game

On the heels of The Beast with a Billion Backs comes the third installment of the four [[[Futurama]]] direct-to-dvd films in [[[Bender’s Game]]]. It’s difficult to take these movies in as “movies” because they all feel like three or four episodes strung together (in fact, that is how they will be released on Comedy Central later this year) but they all seem to have a central storyline or element that runs through the entire feature and ties everything up in the end. For this film, that element is the [[[Dungeons and Dragons]]].

The film starts off as the younger of the Planet Express staff (Cubert, Dwight and friends) are geeking out in a game of D&D and acknowledge that Bender was built without an imagination (really?). This comes back later on in the film for a bit of a [[[Wizard of Oz]]]-like twist in which the whole crew gets sucked into Bender’s imagination. The B-Story here is that Leela has anger issues and is issued a shock collar that goes off when she has a violent thought. All this and another sidestory about the Professor’s actual son (hint: it’s not Zoidberg).

The great thing about Futurama is that, unlike [[[Simpsons]]], it has whole parts of an episode where you aren’t slapping your knee with laughter, but still enjoying it for the story and characters. There were a few knee-slapping moments in Bender’s Game, but overall, the episode isn’t on par with any episode of [[[Family Guy]]]. There isn’t as much character development here as in previous films, but some great moments with each of the characters, and as mentioned; just fun to watch.

Not many names in the way of celebrity cameos here. There is a brief stint with George Tekai which was quite funny, and friend of the series Rich Little stops by, but nothing like David Cross or Brittany Murphy of the previous movies. Though there is plenty for fans of fantasy RPG to get their jollies off, there is very little references to previous Futurama episodes. [[[Bender’s Big Score]]] was riddled with nods to the series, and even the last film had lots of in-jokes for the more diehard fans. Gary Gygax gets a mention at the end of the film, with a clip from his cameo on an older episode after the credits which is nice, considering how much of a role D&D has in the film.

Overall, this is probably the weakest of the Futurama features, with the least amount of characters and knee-slapping moments (no appearance by Zapf and one line from Calculon). The features on the DVD are worth the buy alone though, with bloopers from the voice actors, tons of featurettes, and even a Character Fusion Machine. Worth a buy for fans of the series, but don’t expect Bender’s Big Score. Rating: 6/10

Buy Futurama: Bender’s Game on DVD and Blu-Ray on November 8th!

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ComicMix Radio: Peter David And His Stuff

image44679-5055410The world of The Dark Tower isn’t the only location where Peter David leaves his mark. The Writer Of Stuff shares some insight on his Fallen Angel series, how The Skrulls ended up in She Hulk before Secret Invasion and why a Babylon 5 comic might not work, plus:

  • That other famous TV theme written by Neil Hefti
  • Wizard World Texas has game
  • Ready for Mad Men Jeopardy?

Get on with it and Press the Button!

 

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