MIKE GOLD: What Makes America Great
These are the most important words ever written:
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.
That’s the First Amendment, in its entirety. It’s elegant, isn’t it? But did you notice what word isn’t there? Look again.
The word is “except.” There’s no “except” in the First Amendment.
That’s what makes the United States of America great. It’s where we separate the wheat from the chaff. The democracies from the dictatorships. The good from the evil.
Ask around and some people will tell you that the Supreme Court ruled the First Amendment doesn’t give you the right to shout fire in a crowded theater. If the utterer is smart, that quote will be attributed to Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes. The problem is, it’s bullshit, twice-over.
Number one: in ruling on the case of Schenck v. U.S. in 1919, Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr., wrote: “The most stringent protection of free speech would not protect a man falsely shouting fire in a theater and causing a panic.” The emphasis here is mine; those critical words are usually left out of the debate. You’ve got to be lying, and you’ve got to actually cause damage. However…
Number two: Schenck v. U.S. was overturned by the Supreme Court in 1969 in the case of Brandenburg v. Ohio, which ruled that speech could only be banned when it was likely to incite imminent lawless action, such as a riot. The majority noted yelling fire outside a building to prevent people from entering is quite different from encouraging people to stampede out.
The Constitution doesn’t say “but in case somebody figures out a way to allow people to get their words heard by a whole lot of other people all at once, a federal agency is going to appoint a brilliant comedian to figure out which seven words can never, ever be uttered, no matter how inadvertently, no matter how pointedly, and no matter how necessary or how puerile they may be – and we’re going to fine the shit out of people who ever use those words.”
Last week, ComicMix’s Glenn Hauman, a First Amendment freedom fighter of the first order and with the street cred to prove it, ran a piece about how a federal appeals court ruled against the FCC in their fining broadcasters for the dissemination of inadvertent obscenity. In his article, Glenn substituted asterisks for the vowels in the dirty words. I know Glenn; that reflects his highly tuned sense of irony. Glenn’s also a very considerate guy: he doesn’t want to get you in trouble if you’re reading ComicMix at work and your boss sees the naughty stuff. I’m not quite as considerate.
It’s Glenn’s prerogative as a writer, so I didn’t fuss with his choice. The fact is, when you see “fck” you read “fuck.” When you see “sht,” you read “shit.” When somebody indulges in euphemisms, people know exactly and immediately what the bad words are. But you’re not going to get Battlestar Galactica on the air unless you say “frakkin’.” And, no doubt, pay Yosemite Sam his royalty.
It’s ridiculous. It’s hypocritical. Even if these words had any meaning or any shock value any more, there is no reason to be so judgmental. People who think ill of those who use cuss words yet drive while on their cell phone are a much bigger threat than those who are subjected to their self-righteousness.
About 20 years ago, DC Comics’ editorial honcho Dick Giordano assigned me the task of representing the company at the redraft of the much-hated (and now completely impotent) Comics Code. Yep, Dick has a fantastic sense of humor. At the meeting, one of the first things I asked for was a list of the dirty words that can’t be used. Fair is fair, I pointed out. Marvel’s rep, the much-missed Mark Gruenwald, agreed. Since we were Marvel and DC combined, we got to assign the editors from Harvey Comics and Archie Comics the task of coming up with the list. Okay, that was sophomoric, but if you knew either Mark or me, you’d get it and you probably do anyway. A week or two later, Al Harvey and Victor Gorelick came in with a great list.
They passed the list around and we debated the merits and demerits of the words, adding a few that Al and Vic missed – the very few, actually; it was an extensive list. Then we all exploded in laughter at the astonishing bullshitness of the situation. One of the editors – I won’t reveal which – said “What’s the difference? The Code censors are going to ignore all this anyway.” Which is exactly what happened. Immediately.
We censor in the name of the Children. You know, those Children who are raised in nunneries, who, if they were never exposed to television or radio or literature or people like me, would be good, pious and safe. The kids who presently live on Earth-53. We divert everything with which we are uncomfortable into the “oh, no, we’re doing it for the Children” file. That’s a lot of crap. If you raise your kids honestly with good, sound values, if you teach them right from wrong and you show them how to be strong and the ways to stand up for those values, you won’t have anything to worry about. Stop hiding behind the kids.
There’s plenty of stuff going on to worry about. Language doesn’t make the cut.
Mike Gold is editor-in-chief of ComicMix.com. Be afraid, be very afraid…

Poor Cynthia Rothrock. SheÂ’s the first Âgweilo (white devil)Â woman to become a major star in the golden age of the Hong Kong kung-fu film, then gets relegated to such sad junk as the China OÂ’Brien and Lady Dragon series in America. But for anybody who wants to know what the fuss was about, and those, like me, who want to see Cynthia regain her rightful place in the top echelon of action stars, the two newest Dragon Dynasty DVDs are the ones for you.
Take, for example, Above the Law, RothrockÂs’ second HK film (following the classic Yes Madam, which also introduced Michelle Yeoh to an awed Chinese audience) and Dragon DynastyÂ’s ninth DVD release. What, say you, I don’Ât remember Cynthia Rothrock in that fine, first, 1988, Steven Seagal movie!? ThatÂs because Cynthia was in the 1986 like-named Hong Kong film, which was more generally known as Righting Wrongs, which would have made a much less confusing, more easily ordered, title for this new DVD.
The fights Corey crams this movie with are boldly conceived, incredibly played, and well worth watching, even studying, repeatedly, which is a good thing since clips of them are shown repeatedly during the interesting ÂSpecial Feature interviews with Rothrock, Baio, and Canadian kickboxing champ Peter ÂSugarfoot Cunningham (who co-stars as one of the many killers). The packaging copy isnÂt through with you at just the confusing title, however. The good news is that the disc also features alternate scenes (although not one Rothrock mentions in her interview) and endings, which aren’Ât listed on the box. The bad news is that, while the copy maintains that the film is letterboxed widescreen, it ainÂ’t.
In a bygone age of self-defeating fair-play isolationism, comparatively few outposts of the U.S. entertainment industry saw fit to take issue with the congealing Axis powers. Timely Comics’ Captain America books tackled a larger agenda of wish-fulfillment Nazi-busting in 1941 at a time when popular sentiment and much of the mass communications media, stateside, were still holding out for an anti-inflammatory approach. Just two years earlier, the lower-berth Hollywood producers Ben Judell and Sigmund Neufeld had run afoul of their industry’s attempts to repress a film called Hitler – Beast of Berlin, starting with a Production Code Administration complaint that the very title might pose an affront. It is always an awkward choice, even in the realm of heroic fiction, between pre-emptive action and a wait-and-watch attitude.
Michael Moorcock’s Elric of Melniboné, star of at least a half-dozen novels (with Moorcock it’s kind of hard to count) plus numberous crossover appearances in other Moorcock books, plus numerous comics, plus at least two CD novels, is heading for the big screen at long last.

Johanna Draper-Carlson picks up on what was bugging me about this PR piece from Marvel about
