Remember that time when Superman caught a Kryptonian virus on Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman? And he spent practically the whole episode laid out on the couch, barely conscious? And all he could manage to do was sort of thrash his head about and moan a bit? Having spent the entirety of this past week laid out at home with what I have not-so-fondly dubbed “The Winter Plague,” I suspect I know just how he felt.

I also suspect that when it comes to the Winter Plague, I have not been very heroic. Or at least that’s what it seems like when looking back at my pathetic tweets over the past week (tweeting being about all I’ve had the energy to do, since I can do it from my phone, while lying down in bed). But I guess I could look at the whole matter in another way. You see, because the Winter Plague might sneak up on people when they’re not paying attention, it could be argued that while I was suffering untold miseries I heroically catalogued for all of you, via Twitter, the most common Signs of the Winter Plague, which I can now share. This way, maybe you can recognize that you are coming down with the Winter Plague in time to get to a doctor before it brings you to your knees.

So here are the signs. Read them carefully, ensuring that none apply to you, for if you find yourself identifying with any of the following, you may just have become a victim of… (cue dramatic music here) …The Winter Plague.

Signs of the #WinterPlague:

1. Too sick to want to watch TV and/or read comics.
2. “So, self, what have you done all week?” “Uh, slept? Coughed? Sneezed? Slept more?”
3. It’s 3 pm! I am up! …Because I have to take my meds. Now, where’s my bed again?
4. Dry toast? Unappetizing. Toast with Nutella? …Still unappetizing. :(
5. *blows nose* I can breathe! I can…! :( Never mind. *blows nose again* I can b…! …*sigh* *blows nose again*
6. Not sure if head hurts from illness or blowing nose so much. Possibly both?
7. Plague not immediately vanquished by @neilhimself magic. Dear Neil pls send more? 1st round scared Plague but it came back!
8. Drinking orange juice. Don’t like orange juice.
9. Can’t get through three bites without coughing. :(
10. My oxen have died.
11. Slept for five days, still tired. D:
12. Considered turning on laptop in bed to watch show. Didn’t have energy to press button. Crawled back under covers.
13. “Productive” things done in last week: 1) Read Dresden Files graphic novel. 2) ……..
14. “Hey self! It’s 5 pm. Know what that means?” “…Naptime?” “Yep! How did you know?” “The answer’s always naptime.”
15. “So, body, we just took a three-hour nap. What should we do now?” “…Take a nap?”
16. Clearly my body needed More Napping. Just woke up from another coma-like sleep.
17. Did NOT go to @PressClubDC to see Dave Barry today, despite really, really wanting to. Could not leave bed. :(
18. “What day is today, self?” “……..?”
19. I have never, ever had the heat on this high before.
20. “Body! You’re finally a bit hungry! What would you like to eat?” “Toast.” “Just…toast?” “All the toast.”
21. Oh, hello, cough. You wanted to get up now? I guess we will get up for a few then.

So there you have it! If any of the above seems eerily familiar to you, get thee hence to a doctor immediately (seriously. I’m not kidding about that part. Get some antibiotics, at the very least, so you don’t continue to spread the Plague to unsuspecting people like me).

And please note that other signs of the Winter Plague can include temporary insanity, so if the above column seems a bit loopy to you…well, I’m gonna blame it on the Winter Plague.

Until next time, stay healthy, and Servo Lectio!

TUESDAY AFTERNOON: Michael Davis

WEDNESDAY MORNING: Mike Gold