In the bleak midwinter (or whatever you call this part of January; there’s snow on the ground and it’s super-cold here and the heat’s not working, is all I know) we could all use a little cheering up, and a reminder that there’s more to the world than ice and the howling wind.

In fact, there are people! Friendly, cheerful, sociable (and warm!) people, just waiting to be our friends or date us or possibly some combination of the two. But it can be easy to forget there are other people out there when it’s so cold all you want to do is stay inside huddled under a fleece blanket and a barskin cloak (what? That’s just me? Oh.). And when you do eventually venture out from under your space heater that you’ve hung directly above your bed (to accompany the ones on either side of it, of course), you may have forgotten a step or two in the dance of social niceties, which requires practice to maintain. That’s why I invited everyone’s favorite sunshine-y relationship advisor to stop by and do a guest appearance on my column!

…Okay, that’s not exactly what happened. Maybe I had to go out of town this past weekend, and I didn’t have a ton of time just lying around in which to share my usual deep insights into the human and geek psyche with you, and maybe Rorschach just happened to stop by right after receiving some letters from honest citizens in desperate need of some social advice, and maybe he had nothing better to do, all his cans of beans and sugar cubes being neatly stacked already and the weather keeping most people from committing any obvious crimes on the streets…and so maybe I suggested he take over my column this week for my own selfish reasons, e.g. so I could pack for my trip.

And maybe this is all actually my friend Viv’s fault, because she is the one who originally suggested the previous advice column which first brought us the never-ending gift of Rorschach sharing his valuable social insights.

Regardless! Here he is, ready to share his wisdom with the masses! Lucky masses.

Rorschach’s Advice Column: January 29, 2013

Arrived in Washington, D.C. for meeting of dedicated crime fighters, to find “dedicated” crime fighters cowering and shivering behind closed doors. Pathetic scum, lacking moral conviction to protect city in face of wind and moderate-to-light snowfall. Reduced to helpless, shut-in imbeciles by thin layer of white on roadways. This city would weep for its weak protectors, but knows they also whimper at sight of icy rain.

Only reason crime not rampant in streets tonight is that people of this city are weaker than mewling “crime fighters,” who patrol alleyways only on warmer days. Crime fighters afraid to fight crime with runny noses. Can’t brave slight discomfort for greater justice. Can’t see that all that is needed to defeat crime and cold is trench coat, scarf, fedora, and fists. All I had as I walked streets tonight.

Tonight, a man dated in D.C. Then wrote letter asking my advice. Have tried to stop misguided weak-willed inhabitants of city from sending letters begging my perspective on their lives as they wallow in frozen slurry of self-loathing and despair. Can’t. Not even by breaking thumbs. Tried this last week. Man with broken thumbs cried. Then asked if he should send flowers to angry girlfriend. Left in disgust.

A man dated tonight, and nobody cares. Not even me. Will answer letters anyway, though, as answering letters passes time until miscreant am lying in wait for leaves bar.

Letter #1

Dear Rorschach,

How do I know if this woman I’ve met is The Right One?

Thanks,

@Vitt311

Vitt,

Will answer question but then you must answer mine: were parents hippies? Who names child Vitt? Is that even name? Why does it contain numbers and symbols? Suspect an alias. Perhaps spy?

So. You went out. Probably to seedy bar. Bought drink. Talked to woman. Suddenly you discover Ms. Right. Convenient.

But she is not Ms. Right. Here is how I know: there is no Ms. Right. Relationships are farce. Also unimportant. All that matters is justice. And beans.

~RR~

P.S. Do not try to trace this response, spy; you will fail.

P.P.S. Do not turn around. I am standing behind you but do not wish you to see me yet. Not until I am ready.

Letter #2

Mr. Rorschach,

How does a hamster find Mr./Ms. Right?

Sincerely,

@bicyclefish

Fish on Bicycle:

Are you also spy? Do you know @Vitt311? Your name also gibberish and symbols. Possibly occult. Clearly is conspiracy. Will need to get to bottom of this. Hrm.

As for question: Rodents do not discriminate with mates. Can’t be discussing rodents. Must be code. Are “Hamsters” new street gang? Why have I not heard of them? Must investigate.

Well. If you are spy or miscreant gang member, there will never be a Mr./Ms. Right for you. You will always be alone. And probably in jail.

~RR~

P.S. If you are not miscreant (unlikely) see previous question for answer.

P.P.S. Also send me full name, and address of your dwelling, as all you have given in letter is gibberish name and P.O. Box. This is not sufficient. Will need to question you further about these “Hamsters.”

Letter #3

Dear Mr. Rorschach;

If you are a spy, is it okay to date another spy at a rival agency, under the assumption that hilarity will ensue? Same question, but for Glee coaches.

@BenjaminPFisher

Fishy Benjamin,

You claim to be a spy, yet use real name. Must be trap. Hrm.

Spies are not hilarious. Do not joke about spies. Or spy conspiracy. Which you are clearly part of.

Beginning to suspect advice column being used as spy trap to lure me in and pick off another costumed hero. Is obvious now, really. And Dreiberg called me paranoid.

Am done answering letters until have uncovered whole of spy ring out to get me. Will hunt you down, all of you, and exact justice for this persecution. Don’t bother to beg for mercy. There will be no compromise.

~RR~

P.S. If did use real name, you are very bad spy.

P.P.S. What is Glee coach? Is this spy code? Sounds leftist.

•     •     •     •     •

Hey guys, it’s Emily! So…I just got back and Mike showed me the results of my latest experiment with guest writers. Uh…yeah, maybe inviting Rorschach over to play wasn’t such a good idea. But I don’t have time to write something new at this late date, so…sorry? And he didn’t really mean it, about the spy thing. And hunting people down. Not really. I don’t think. Um.

…Until next time, Servo Lectio?

P.S. I really am sorry.

P.P.S. I hope he’s not standing behind anyone right now.

WEDNESDAY: Mike Gold And Alfred Pennyworth’s Guns

PRESS RELEASE:

CAPTAIN HAZZARD The Citadel of Fear By Ron Fortier & Martin Powell NEW AIRSHIP 27 EDITION 

Airship 27 Productions is happy to once again announce the availability of its second Captain Hazzard adventure; Citadel of Fear by Ron Fortier & Martin Powell.

 In 2011 Airship 27 Productions parted ways with their former publisher and many of their titles soon sold out at distributors such as Amazon etc. Eventually copies could only be found at various independent bookstores selling for exorbitant prices.

“It was always our intention to get all our titles back out in these new Airship 27 editions,” explains Managing Editor & Co-author Fortier. “Of course we have to juggle doing these reprint editions around our schedule for releasing new titles. It’s not always an easy task. Over the past year, many Captain Hazzard fans have written us complaining of the book’s unavailability at a fair and reasonable price.”

Fortier also notes that the remaining two Captain Hazzard novels that he has written; Curse of the Red Maggot and Cavemen of New York will also be offered in new editions as time allows. “Obviously it’s our goal to have all of them up soon and we thank our loyal fans for their patience in this process.”

When scientists from all studies begin disappearing, Captain Hazzard and his team of adventures take up the mystery which leads them to a secluded city of wonders deep within Rocky Mountains ruled by the daughter of a would-be world conqueror. The book is the first co-writing venture between Fortier and Powell, long time friends and features interior illustrations by Art Director Rob Davis with a stunning cover by Laura Givens.  

Fortier is currently writing a fifth Captain Hazzard novel he hopes to have completed soon.

 CAPTAIN HAZZARD – CITADEL OF FEAR Now available at – Create Space (https://www.createspace.com/4148616_) Soon at Amazon and Kindle. Currently still available at their website – (http://robmdavis.com/Airship27Hangar/index.airshipHangar.html)

New Pulp Author Van Allen Plexico visits The Book Cave to talk about the latest installment in his Sentinels series of books as well as his new Lords of Fire sci fi novel with Art Sippo, Bruce Rosenberger, and Ric Croxton.

Listen to The Book Cave Episode 215: Van Plexico and The Sentinels now at http://thebookcave.libsyn.com/the-book-cave-episode-215-van-plexico-and-the-sentinels

Last week I told you about my family’s celebration of my dad’s 90^th birthday. This week I’m going to talk about another birthday.

The Doctor’s.

Doctor who?

That’s right.

He turns 50 years this year, plus another 1000 – give or take. And tonight – uh, last night, actually – all us Whovians are – uh, were, actually – being treated to the first of a series of special events celebrating his golden anniversary, with The Doctors Revisited: The First Doctor, which is going to be – uh, was, actually – on at 9:00 PM, to be followed – uh, was followed – by a re-airing of the sixth episode, The Aztecs. I’m surprised – I mean was surprised – that the producers didn’t choose to air the first episode, An Unearthly Child.

In that episode, schoolteachers Ian Chesterton and Barbara Wright become – became – curious and concerned about their 15-year-old student, Susan Foreman. Although the girl is – was – brilliant in science and history, but she doesn’t – didn’t – know how many shillings there are – were – in a pound. In fact, she says – said – that English currency is – was – on the decimal system. And she argues – argued – that she cannot – couldn’t – solve an equation about dimensions with only “a.” “b,” and “c” – there must be a “d” and an “e,” she insists – insisted. They follow – followed – her home one evening and discover – discovered – that Susan apparently lives – lived – in a police box sitting in the middle of the junkyard. Shortly afterwards, Barbara and Ian break – broke – into the police box and meet – met – Susan’s grandfather, a churlish old man who introduces – introduced – himself as the Doctor.

And that’s when they discover – discovered – that the police box is – well, actually, the police box is still the – a TARDIS, a strange machine which is bigger on the inside than it appears on the outside – well, actually, it still is – and which travels through space and time – well, actually, it still does, though it can’t return to fixed points in time, as we saw in this season’s The Angels Take Manhattan. The Doctor is – was – afraid that Barbara and Ian will – would – tell the authorities what they have seen, so he activates – activated – the TARDIS and takes – took – them all to the Stone Age.

I’ve never seen any of William Hartnell’s episodes – uh, well, actually, now I have – and I’m really looking forward to seeing The Aztecs – uh, I mean, I was looking forward to it.

It was really good.

Wasn’t it?

TUESDAY MORNING: Emily S. Whitten

TUESDAY AFTERNOON: Michael Davis