http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/original-batman-adam-west-reflects-699804
Please, I would like you to know that I do not spend my days and nights running around in a cape and cowl fighting crime. But I used to. And even before that, it was a blue bath towel. As a kid on a farm near Walla Walla, Wash., I played Batman. You may have done the same.
Worth a read, particularly if you’re reading Batman ’66.
So I guess when the AV Club is reporting on the future death of Wolverine, the cat is out of the bag, eh? In yet another PR stunt, the mainstream comic houses show their full hand in hopes mega media attention will somehow garner a boost in pulp sales. I’m reminded of that saying concerning the definition of insanity. And surely this is a topic we, the snarky columnists of any number of media outlets, have covered… well… to death. It’s still worth another look though, so indulge me, kiddos. It’s time to beat a dead horse.
Isn’t it a shame when the knee-jerk reaction of your most dedicated fan-base upon hearing about the death of a beloved character comes with an audible snicker and eye roll? Suffice to say when I’d read the newswire piece it didn’t come as a shock, as much as a continual reminder that my favorite medium was often regarded as kitsch. And truly, no other medium comes to mind – save perhaps for soap operas or pro wrestling– where the announcement of a significant loss bares no bitter fruit as much as it comes complete with scoffs from the peanut gallery.
Wolverine to be stripped of his healing factor and killed. Peter Parker’s mind is destroyed, only to be inhabited by Otto Octavius. Batman banished forever in time by the impact of some Omega beams. Superman dead. Thor dead. Professor X dead. Steve Rogers dead. Jean Grey dead. Colossus dead. Hell… Bucky Barnes dead. Phil Coulson dead.
Feh, I say. Feh! In each instance of the leaked announcement, I immediately retort “…until sales drop, or a movie comes out.” And if you’re a betting man, you’d be smart to go all in each time. I think though, that ranting and railing against something you could count on as easily as the tide coming in, is a waste of negative feelings.
What sits at the root of all of these stabs into the mainstream ether is the soul-crushing realization that our beloved cape-and-cowl crowd are all for-profit entities, each built to harness the dollars and cents of a loyal customer base that has proven more often than not to continually purchase product even while loudly protesting it. Simply put, one need not sweat the wrath of the fanboys and girls until they leave you high and dry at the checkout counter. And as attendance at comic conventions continue to swell, and the multiplex becomes choked annually with blockbuster after blockbuster… there’s little need to fear that our ink-and-paper rags are going away while the licenses need to be coddled.
And what would you do if you were the EIC of a major comic book publisher? You’d keep hitting your cash piñatas until they stop dropping Tootsie Rolls. One can’t simply let their comic character live and die with the times. They must constantly be in a cycle or dramatic repartee with one another. They must converge on mighty battlegrounds. They must make odd alliances. They must recalibrate, reinvent, and redefine their very being every few months. The moment they stop, the attention is drawn elsewhere. Even to let a mortal man, like Frank Castle – a character whose very mission is clearly drawn in severe black and white terms – die a hero’s death, is really just another way to bookmark him for a new series later. One cannot simply let a comic character die… not when there’s a bloodstone to find and money left on the table.
To learn of Wolverine’s impending dirt map should not actually be met with a scoff, and an upturned nose. As in nearly all my aforementioned examples of re-re-retconned demises… in their immediate wake came some of the best stories I’d ever read concerning that character! When Batman was time-bulleted away, Scott Snyder’s Detective Comics gave me the Dick Grayson I’ve always wanted to read. When Dan Slott took the leap to let Otto drive as the friendly neighborhood wall-crawler, he opened up a fantastic object lesson in proactive versus reactive heroism. And when Wolverine bites the big one, it will be less about ending his story as it is opening up a new chapter in the plethora of X-books that will no doubt be touched by the loss. Death, as it were, is then less about the loss specifically of the character in question, rather, it’s about the aftermath that needs to be considered.
It is sad to me that we must accept this as fate; that our heroes and villains are merely pawns in a never ending churn and burn of story arcs and universe resets. In the time since its inception, the Marvel Universe (the 616), and the DCU (whatever we call current continuity since it’s neither new, nor 52) have relegated themselves to reinvention at every turn of the corner. Unlike a soap or the WWE, where fictional characters can eventually die in real life… or even Doctor Who, who remains the same alien in spirit, but purposefully reimagined to coincide with the times – mainstream comic books must remain forever in Neverland. While DC tried hard to create legacies with a few of their major heroes (The Flash and Green Lantern, most of all), they too eventually succumbed to a massive PR stunt (the still-absolutely-unbearable Flashpoint), in order to move the zeitgeist back into its clutches.
So mourn not for James Howlett, folks. Let no tears stain your mutton-chopped cheeks for his once robust form. For now, he will join any number of other X-Men at the famed Marvel Island. He’ll enjoy the umbrella drinks, and free bacon… as the 616 spins out of control.
Because let’s face it, a world with Wolverine leaves a roster spot open on at least 1,246 different teams. And that is why we mourn.
Story ideas are pretty malleable. I once presided over/rode herd on/sweated out an 1,100+ page continuity that began as a plot for two 15-pagers. Hemingway is credited with writing a story in only six words. (Go on. Google it. I’ll wait.) I did something a while back, just a bit over 500 words, that, I think, qualifies as a story, though some might disagree, (and because we cherish the First Amendment, if for no other reason, we welcome their dissent.)
Slick magazines, back when my mother was reading them, featured stories complete on one page.
Superman’s origin, which, you might recall, involved an exploding planet – we’re not talking small, here – was originally told on one page and the first Batman story ran a mere six pages, but it was very close to a Shadow novel that must have been in the neighborhood of 45,000 words.
[[[The Great Gatsby]]], often cited as a great novel, is 47,094 words. [[[War and Peace]]], ditto on the great novel label, goes 587,287.
So, is there a point to all this? Let’s try to find one.
Story ideas, and literary forms, might be malleable, but that doesn’t excuse scriveners from the labor of plotting and structuring. You can’t just plunk yourself down at the keyboard, decide you’ll do an 1,100-pager and begin to perpetrate the opening of this Sahara of a continuity. No, check that: you can begin the aforementioned perpetration, but a prudent person might advise against it. The danger is that, toward the end, you might find a lot of loose ends that defy knotting, or you might have given your characters problems that they can’t solve and still stay true to whatever else you’ve established. Or you might just run out of plot. Then, you begin to improvise. You fake it. You pad. Are you, by now, boring the reader? Admit the possibility, anyway.
It happens. A person far wiser in the ways of Big Media recently confirmed what I’d read somewhere. Sometimes, writers and producers of television entertainment begin a protracted and complicated storyline with no clear idea of how they’ll get from A to B. They make it up as they go along. Sometimes they get away with it. Sometimes.
I know that some Nineteenth Century literary luminaries – Charles Dickens and Fyodor Dostoyevsky to name two – serialized their novels before publishing them in hard covers. I wonder: did they make it up as they went along? Did they do outlines? Plot summaries?
What we did, my comic book colleagues and I, was make pretty detailed outlines, in consultation with our freelancers. We all knew what story we wanted to tell and had a reasonably firm idea of how it should end. There was a few small disagreements: some of my merry men wanted the outline to be detailed; I wanted to leave wiggle room and preserve the option of someone having a better idea along the way. But we generally knew where we were going and how to get there.
One more thing: that outline assured us that we had enough plot to justify the number of pages we were planning to occupy. We could and did permit side plots to run in parallel with our central story, but we wanted none of that padding stuff.
Is here any padding in the preceding 551 words? Well…
BURBANK, CA (February 14, 2014) – The caped crusader continues to conquer Gotham City’s villains with the Blu-ray™ and DVD release of Beware The Batman: Shadows of Gotham, Season 1 Part 1 from Warner Bros. Home Entertainment, Warner Bros. Animation and DC Entertainment. Batman and his trusted friends Alfred and Katana band together in the series’ first 13 episodes to face the twisted machinations of Gotham City’s criminal underworld.
Beware the Batman Season 1 Part 1 is available for the first time on both Blu-ray™ and DVD next Tuesday, February 18, 2014. Warner Bros. Home Entertainment offers a two-disc DVD set ($19.97 SRP), while the single-disc Blu-ray™ is available from Warner Archive Collection for $19.95 via shop.warnerarchive.com and wbshop.com.
Batman swings into an exhilarating new age, teaming with a powerful allies old and new for a thrilling new take on the classic Dark Knight franchise in Beware the Batman: Shadows of Gotham, Season 1 Part 1. The new action-packed detective thriller incorporates Batman’s core characters with a rogue’s gallery of criminals as the Caped Crusader faces some of Gotham City’s most despicable villains. Through the show’s first 13 animated adventures of this two-disc collection, ex-secret agent Alfred and lethal swordstress Katana join Batman to takes on an array of evildoers including the likes of Anarky, Professor Pyg, Mister Toad and Magpie. This thrilling series redefines what we have come to know as the “Batman show” and is sure to excite fans with cutting-edge CGI visuals.
“Warner Bros. Home Entertainment is delighted to begin this exhilarating animated Batman series with the release of Beware The Batman: Shadows of Gotham, Season 1 Part 1,” Mary Ellen Thomas, Warner Bros. Home Entertainment Vice President, Family & Animation and Partner Brands Marketing. “Fans will be excited to see their favorite super hero up against a whole new set of villains from the DC Universe to continue the expansion of the Dark Knight franchise!”
Episodes:
Beware the Batman Season 1 Part 1
The Warner Animation series of direct-to-disc features has apparently said farewell to the past as this week’s release of [[[Justice League: War]]] and May’s [[[Son of Batman]]] are both from the New 52 era. A pity given how many cool stories remain unadapted. Readers who picked up Justice League #1 in August 2011 were treated to a brand new take on the tried and true characters from DC Comics, but it was clearly early in their collective careers. It was the first time many were meeting one another and dealing with the threat of Darkseid from Apokolips.
A fresh start but far from a clean one but discussions of that title and the entire New 52 belong elsewhere. Right now, we’re examining the latest feature from director Jay Oliva to see how well it stands up on its own. He’s working from a script by Heath Corson, making his DC animated debut after writing Scary Godmother: Halloween Spooktacular and six episode s of Aim High. He hews closely to Geoff Johns’ opening six-issue arc, keeping a lot of the action and dialogue but had to make accommodations when it was decided Aquaman would be jettisoned for Captain Marvel (okay, he’s now called Shazam, which sucks). As a result, the story is about seven heroes coming together for the common good but it’s really about Vic Stone’s transformation from promising teen athlete to cyborg warrior, using him as an audience identification figure.
We open in Gotham City as Green Lantern arrives to deal with a parademon, believing it to be the urban legend Batman. When the real Dark Knight shows up, Green Lantern is surprised and then stunned to realize he’s just a guy in a suit. They don’t like one another but have to put that aside to deal with the growing number of parademons. Elsewhere, more parademons are threatening Washington DC, Central City, and Metropolis, leaving behind mysterious boxes that baffle scientists and heroes alike. Vic Stone comes to Central’s S.T.A.R. Labs to chew out his father for missing the big game – again – and is on hand when things go boom. Meantime, in Washington, Steve Trevor is bringing Wonder Woman to meet the President but things get delayed when the uglies arrive.
In time, we learn they are leaving Mother Boxes behind in an attempt to terraform Earth, paving the way for Darkseid to take control. Humanity would be repurposed into becoming parademons to grow his army. There’s lots of fighting, lots of bickering, quipping, and things blowing up before the heroes prevail.
For us to believe these larger-than-life figures can exist, everything else around it has to make perfect sense. Instead, time and again, the story has gaps of logic or basic science that make you go, “aww, come on! “If Batman has been studying Superman before they encounter one another, he would either have a plan or come prepared because, you know, he’s Batman. Instead, we waste several minutes watching them duke it out. When Air Force One is breached by the parademons, apparently there’s no decompression in the cabin. And if we’re talking terraforming then why are the boxes being placed in these specific places and nowhere else on Earth? Or if they’re on all seven continents, we should address who is dealing with the parademons there and the effects on Earth’s environment. Nope, not touched on at all.
Instead, we get a Captain Marvel who is as gosh wow as Billy Batson is a brat, never once displaying the wisdom of Solomon. Oliva decided to play off the magical thunder and has it crackling around him and Marvel occasionally hurls bolts of lightning which is interesting but doesn’t serve the character well. Similarly, Wonder Woman comes across as a bumpkin, making proclamations about new discoveries with the earnestness of Jethro Bodine.
Overall, the origin story works pretty well if the action is prolonged at times in lieu of actual conversations between the characters. We get hints of a vast new playing field and it’s interesting to see that not all of them are convinced banding together more than once is a good idea – something that would be worthy of exploring in another film since the comic is long past that point.
Interestingly, the character design this time around is from former DC artist Dusty Abell and he once more gives everyone pointy chins and adds extraneous details to GL’s uniform while mangling Flash’s chest bolt. WW’s outfit is a departure from the source material and sort of works. For a fresh take on these heroes, they look remarkably similar, unlike the radical re-envisioning Jim Lee brought to the printed page.
The New 52 vocal cast works pretty well with Alan Tudyk making for a surprisingly good Superman while Jason O’Mara does equally well with Batman. Christopher Gorman’s Flash, Justin Kirk’s GL, and Shemar Moore’s Cyborg are just fine. Michelle Monaghan needed to tone down her Amazon Princess.
The video release comes as a combo pack with a Blu-ray, DVD< and Ultraviolet copy. On the Blu-ray there are several featurettes starting with Deconstructing Justice League: War with Jay Oliva & Jim Lee as the two “meet” for the first time and dissect several sequences from the film, comparing print to animation and you learn some interesting things from it. There’s a surprisingly thorough look at Lee’s professional life in Creating Heroes: The Life and Art of Jim Lee, touching on his development as an artist and his time at Marvel before leaving to form WildStorm (nee Homage) and Image Comics. Finally, there’s Justice League: War Act D – From animatic to pencil test which has side by side by side comparisons of the same Act D scenes, which is interesting for those into art and animation.
Rounding out the disc is the usual preview of the next video, May’s Son of Batman, with O’Mara once more voicing the Caped Crusader and loosely adapting Grant Morrison’s storyline. Then there are four animated episodes which leave you scratching your head at the choices. These include Justice League Unlimited Season 3 “Destroyer”; Batman: The Brave and The Bold Season 2 “The Malicious Mr. Mind”; Young Justice Invasion: Destiny Calling Season 2 Part 1 “Happy New Year”; and Young Justice Invasion: Destiny Calling Season 2 Part 1 “Earthlings”.
When the powerful Darkseid and his massive, relentless forces invade Earth, a group of previously unaligned super heroes – misunderstood and, in some cases, hunted by the authorities – discover the only way to fend off the attack will be to work together as a cohesive unit. Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, Green Lantern, Flash, Shazam and, in his origin story, Cyborg combine their respective talents in an all-out battle to save the planet. Based on the 2012 graphic novel, “Justice League: Origin,” by Geoff Johns & Jim Lee, Justice League: War provides a glance into the world before the Justice League was created, and offers the initial animated incarnation of DC Entertainment’s “The New 52.”
The clip features Batman and Green Lantern meeting for the first time while simultaneously dealing with both a renegade parademon and the local police. Jason O’Mara (Terra Nova) and Justin Kirk (Weeds) provide the voices of Batman and Green Lantern, respectively.
Justice League: War arrives via Blu-ray Combo Pack, DVD and Digital HD on February 4, 2014.
Via http://sarahj-art.tumblr.com
Synopsis: Marvel’s Thor: The Dark World continues the big screen adventures of Thor, the Mighty Avenger, as he battles to save Earth and all the Nine Realms from a shadowy enemy that predates the universe itself. In the aftermath of Marvel’s The Avengers, Thor fights to restore order across the cosmos… but an ancient race led by the vengeful Malekith returns to plunge the universe back into darkness. Faced with an enemy that even Odin and Asgard cannot withstand, Thor must embark on his most perilous and personal journey yet, one that will reunite him with Jane Foster and force him to sacrifice everything to save us all.
Cast: Chris Hemsworth (Marvel’s Thor, Marvel’s The Avengers, Snow White and the Huntsman) as Thor, Natalie Portman (Marvel’s Thor, Black Swan, Star Wars Episodes I-III) as Jane Foster, Tom Hiddleston (Marvel’s Thor, Marvel’s The Avengers, War Horse) as Loki and Anthony Hopkins (Thor, Silence of the Lambs, Nixon) as Odin.
Director: Alan Taylor (TV’s Game of Thrones, TV’s The Sopranos, TV’s Mad Men)
Screenplay: Christopher L. Yost (Revolutionary Road, Snitch)
Christopher Markus (Pirates of the Caribbean franchise)
Stephen McFeely (Pirates of the Caribbean franchise)
Story by: Don Payne
Robert Rodat
Producer: Kevin Feige, p.g.a. (Marvel’s The Avengers, Marvel’s Iron Man Franchise)
Executive Producers: Louis D’Esposito (Basic Instinct, Marvel’s Iron Man, Marvel’s The Avengers)
Victoria Alonso (Marvel’s Iron Man, Marvel’s The Avengers, Big Fish)
Craig Kyle (X-Men: Evolution, Ultimate Avengers, Iron Man: Armored Adventures)
Alan Fine (Marvel’s The Avengers, Marvel’s Iron Man, Marvel’s Thor)
Nigel Gostelow (Batman Begins, The Bourne Ultimatum, The Da Vinci Code)
Stan Lee (Marvel’s Iron Man, Spider-Man, Marvel’s Thor)
Release Date: February 4, 2014 for Digital 3D (Select Retailers) and Digital HD
February 25, 2014 (Direct Pre-book: TBC; Distributor Pre-book: TBC)
Bonus Features:
(3D Combo Pack, BD, DVD & Select Digital Retailers)
· Never-Before-Seen Extended and Deleted Scenes
· Gag Reel
· Exclusive Look – Marvel’s Captain America: The Winter Soldier
o Get an exclusive first look at the latest installment in the Captain America franchise and its incredible cast of characters, including Scarlett Johansson as the Black Widow, Samuel L. Jackson as Director Nick Fury, Chris Evans, our hero Steve Roger’s, his new ally Sam Wilson, aka the Falcon played by Anthony Mackie, and a mysterious enemy from the past…the Winter Soldier played by Sebastian Stan.
· A Brothers’ Journey: Thor & Loki
o In this 30 min feturette go behind the scenes with filmmakers and cast as we explore two of the most iconic characters in the Marvel Universe with stars Chris Hemsworth (Thor) & Tom Hiddleston (Loki), and journey through the key moments that have defined and endeared these characters to audiences around the world.
· Scoring Marvel’s Thor: The Dark World with Brian Tyler
o Go behind the scenes with the filmmakers and acclaimed composer Brian Tyler for a look at the creation of the movie’s stunning original score.
· Audio Commentary with Director Alan Taylor, Producer Kevin Feige, Actor Tom Hiddleston (Loki) and Cinematographer Kramer Morgenthau
· And More…
Ratings: PG-13
Feature Run Time: 1 hrs. 51 min. 53 seconds
Aspect Ratio: 1.85:1
Audio: Dolby Digital Surround Sound
Languages: English, French & Spanish
Subtitles: English, French & Spanish
Warner Bros. Home Entertainment and The Paley Center for Media proudly present the World Premiere of Justice League: War, the next entry in the popular, ongoing series of DC Universe Animated Original PG-13 Movies, in New York on January 21, 2014. Filmmakers and members of the voice cast will attend the event for red carpet media interviews and a post-screening panel discussion.
BURBANK, CA (December 19, 2013) â An alien attack threatening cataclysmic worldwide devastation brings together the worldâs greatest super heroes â for the first time â in Justice League: War, the latest entry in the ongoing series of DC Universe Animated Original Movies. Produced by DC Entertainment and Warner Bros. Animation, Justice League: War arrives February 4, 2014, from Warner Bros. Home Entertainment as a Blu-ray⢠Combo Pack ($24.98 SRP), DVD ($19.98 SRP) and Digital HD. The Blu-rayTM Combo Pack will include a digital version of the movie on Digital HD with UltraVioletâ¢. Order due date is December 31, 2013.
When the powerful Darkseid and his massive, relentless forces invade Earth, a group of previously unaligned super heroes â misunderstood and, in some cases, hunted by the authorities â discover the only way to fend off the attack will be to work together as a cohesive unit. Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, Green Lantern, Flash, Shazam and, in his origin story, Cyborg combine their respective talents in an all-out battle to save the planet. Based on the 2012 graphic novel, âJustice League: Origin,â by Geoff Johns & Jim Lee, Justice League: War provides a glance into the world before the Justice League was created, and offers the initial animated incarnation of DC Entertainmentâs The New 52.
âJustice League: War brings together all the best elements of DC Comics â dynamic plot twists, revolutionary new artwork and of course, hostility amongst heroes and villains alike,â said Mary Ellen Thomas, Warner Bros. Home Entertainment Vice President, Family Animation Marketing and Partner Brands. âShowcasing a voice talent cast that unites some of todayâs most popular actors, Warner Bros. Home Entertainment is proud to release Justice League: War as the next DC Universe Animated Original Movie.â
Primetime television stars Jason OâMara (Terra Nova, Vegas, Life on Mars) and Justin Kirk (Weeds), the voices of Batman and Green Lantern, respectively, lead an impressive ensemble of television and film stars in the notable super hero roles. The celebrity-laden voice cast includes Shemar Moore (Criminal Minds) as Cyborg, Michelle Monaghan (Mission Impossible III, Gone Baby Gone) as Wonder Woman, Christopher Gorham (Covert Affairs) as Flash, Alan Tudyk (Suburgatory, 42, Serenity) as Superman, Sean Astin (The Lord of the Rings Trilogy) as Shazam, and Rocky Carroll (NCIS) as Silas Stone. On the villainous side, popular voice actor Steve Blum (Justice League: The Flashpoint Paradox) provides the voice of Darkseid, and Bruce Thomas (Legally Blonde, Army of Darkness) gives voice to DeSaad.
Justice League: War delivers an action-packed addition to the ongoing series of DC Universe Animated Original Movies, which have sold more than 13 million units to date. The film features brand-new extra content for collectors and fans alike.
Justice League: War Enhanced Content includes:
BASICS
Street Date: February 4, 2014
Order Due Date: December 31, 2013
Languages: English and Spanish
Audio: Dolby Surround Stereo
Color / Closed Captioned
MPAA Rating:Â PG-13
 Justice League: War
Blu-ray⢠Combo Pack – $24.98 SRP
SD 1 Disc – $19.98 SRP
SD UPC: 1000381833 / 883929318421
BD UPC: 1000381834 / 883929318438
DreamWorks is hoping that your interest in things moving quickly is not limited to The Flash and The Fast and Furious films. Come March, they will be releasing The Need for Speed and unveiled the new one-sheet.
Consider this a free lesson in becoming a rich and successful writer, be it in Hollywood, comic books, TV, movies… whatever. Yes kiddos, you too can be a mega-player in the game if you follow my patent-pending advice. And since there’s no use to wasting time, let me get to them write now. Get it?
Copy someone better than you. See, I’m already gonna copy legendary John Ostrander, who in his article this very week gave out five tips to aspiring writers as well. But as you’ll learn, babe, it’s not about who did it first… just who does it next. I recall, fondly, that one of my professors at college had his intro to screenwriting class begin the year by dissecting their favorite romantic comedy for structure, and then literally rewrite it according to the corresponding skeleton etched out. Nifty, eh? So when the chips are down and your screen is blank, just boot up Netflix, and get prepared to appropriate your masterpiece.
Retcon it, reboot it, or make a prequel/sequel! Why waste your time creating an original piece of work when you can start where someone else started? As a natural next-step of copying someone who is better than you, you can get oodles of dollars by simply refraining from even considering originality as an option. DC Comics may have canceled a Batman series recently, but you best believe that someone else will fill in the slot the second they see an uptick in BatSales. It’s their New52 M.O.: when sales spike, it’s time to expand! Justice League look good? Make it dark! Make it American! Make it StormWatch! Err… Simply put, if you want to be a resource to those folks who sign the big checks? Then be prepared to take on the franchise when the original creator is off doing whatever it is “artists” do. Remember, you want to be writer… not an artist.
When the editor says “Jump”, already be in the air. When you’re in the air? Be screaming “Is this high enough?!” You see, in today’s market, the writer is just another tool in the box. One need not be “good” as much as “serviceable.” When he-who-signs-the-paychecks demands you kill a character off, or refrain from being “too gay,” you salute them, thank them for their bold choices, and immediately write exactly what they’re looking for. If they’re vague? See tips #1 and #2 above. You can never go wrong by pitching to them that which they already know. At the end of the day, they want money. The market proves to us day in and day out that one need not break barriers, blow minds, or explore new territory with our creative fiction. What sells today is what sold yesterday… with a shiny new coating.
Kill off as many characters as needed to feel edgy. Look kids: sex and death sell. Nothing in fiction is off limits. Hell, they killed a major character on Family Guy not even a month ago, and boom, he’s back. Captain America? Time bullet. Batman? Time warp. Thor? Ragnorak. The X-Men? Time vortex. Get violent if you need to. Hell, Man of Steel and The Avengers leveled near entire cities to make their point. Better yet, they gave away the secret to how you end things afterwards. Want your audience to leave with a knowing smirk on their face? Have your heroes be a bit witty amidst the wanton destruction, and maybe let them get a sandwich. Need your audience to feel remorse for all the devastation? Have your hero scream in agony, and then end on the witty retort. Boom. Roll the credits, and whatever you do… Do not forget the stinger. Thanks to Mickey, we have to end everything, and then end it again. Or, pull a Jackson: end your piece, and then end it eight more times. Each time make it gayer and more emotionally despondent. People eat that crap up like McRibs.
Remember that the critics, fans, et al don’t matter anymore. In the age of the Internet, everyone is a critic. Thanks to news sites, blogs, somehow-still-alive newspapers, social media, et cetera, every new release is covered by hundreds of would-be pundits. No matter your score, trust me, you’re fine. If you deliver an atrocity? You’ll pop up on everybody’s Worst Of lists, and your sales will spike as rubber-neckers come to guffaw. Get a middle of the road review? Just head to the comment section, and accuse yourself (anonymously) of being gay, racist, or a gay-racist. Then, as yourself, open up an Instagram account, and post angst-riddled notes of how depressing your life is. Soon enough, they’ll forget if your work was any good anyways. Hell, go apeshit and you could end up like Charlie Sheen. He went AWOL, and nabbed a 20/90 backend multi-season pickup for a show so by-the-book, most scripts are handled via an AOL mad-lib generator.
As far as fans go, just know that you’re safe. When you do an acceptable job writing up the expectable (it is a word now.), only elitist Onion readers will get up in arms. Do you really care if a horn-rimmed glasses wearing, curly mustachioed, corduroy and bow-tie bedazzled Arcade Fire fan thinks your work is shallow and pedantic? Do you mind that I just lifted a line straight off The Simpsons? Of course you don’t! At the end of the day, you want a paycheck and a fluffy credit. I want a yes-man. It’s a win-win situation.
The key to this all is simple. The world is going to end eventually. You’re either going to be frozen is actual carbonite (rich people have the technology – for real) or buried in a pine box right off the highway. It’s your call. Live and eat well by doing what they tell you to do, or have a backbone and visible ribs. The choice is yours. Your foolproof plan is laid out above.
When you’re famous, do me a solid and link back to this article. I’m cold, and extra readers keeps my furnace running.
SUNDAY: John Ostrander
MONDAY: Mindy Newell
Columns / Glenn Hauman / News
Stephen Colbert, we have your writer for “The Chronicles of Amber”!
January 20, 2023
The Law Is A Ass #460: Those “For Life” Sentences Are Nonsense
February 24, 2022
