Tagged: Science Fiction

Mindy Newell: It’s Personal, Not Business.

Newell Art 130225From Wikipedia: Critics have generally received Ender’s Game well. The novel won the Nebular Award for best novel in 1985, and the Hugo for best novel in 1986, considered the two most prestigious awards in science fiction. Ender’s Game was also nominated for a Locus Award in 1986. In 1999, it placed #59 on the reader’s list of the Modern Library 100 Best Novels. It was also honored with a spot on the American Library Association’s “100 Best Books for Teens.” In 2008, the novel, along with (it’s sequel) Ender’s Shadow won the Margaret A. Edwards Award, which honors an author and specific works by that author for lifetime contribution to young adult literature. Ender’s Game was ranked at #2 in Damien Broderick’s book Science Fiction: The 101 Best Novels 1985-2010.

Not too shabby.

The announcement by DC that Orson Scott Card (author of Ender’s Game and its sequel) will be writing a Superman story to be included in an upcoming anthology has burst into a firestorm of controversy on the net and in newspapers such as The Hollywood Reporter (“Ender’s Game’s Orson Scott Card’s Anti-Gay Views Pose Risk for Film,” February 20, 2013), not only because of Mr. Card’s publicly-stated negative opinions on homosexuality and same-sex marriage, but because Mr. Card sits on the Board of Directors for the non-profit National Organization for Marriage (NOM). Established in 2007 to work against the legalization of same-sex marriage in the United States, NOM contributed $1.8 million to the passage of “Prop 8” in California, which prohibited same-sex marriage in California. (The amendment was in force until United States District Court Judge Vaughn R. Walker overturned it in August 2010, ruling that it violated the Due Process and Equal Protection clauses of the United States Constitution. His decision has been appealed, and the ruling has been stayed.) NOM also opposes civil union legislation and gay adoption.

Last week Michael Davis’s Brokeback Bastard here on ComicMix asserted not only DC’s right to hire Mr. Card despite the widespread outrage, but Michael’s opinion that efforts to get DC to renege their offer to Mr. Card, i.e., fire the bigot!, will fail, because, DC sees this, a la The Godfather, as “business, not personal.” Why? Because, to quote Michael, “This is a win – win for DC. They get a pretty good writer and massive publicity so why fire the guy? When the book comes out they will get another round of colossal exposure so like I said, why fire the guy?”

He’s right about that. Any publicity, so the pundits say, is good publicity. (I get the sentiment, but it’s not really true. Just ask Elliot Spitzer about his hooker friend, or Paul Ryan about his marathon time.)

This is what I wrote in response to Michael’s column:

Well, I understand the business side of it. Orson Scott Card is a prolific and popular science fiction writer whose Ender’s Game won the Nebula and the Hugo, and whom DC is betting will bring in lots of $$$$$. And I understand the “high moral ground” that Michael and Dan and John (Dan and John are respondents who took issue with Michael’s viewpoint) are arguing above: judge the guy on his writing, not on his personal views. However, Card’s views are not personal in that he is a member of the Marriage Is Only Between A Man And Woman Board, (I was too lazy at the time to look up the name of the organization) or whatever the hell it’s called. He has publicly stated that gay men and women should be ostracized and worse.

Superman is an icon. Superman stands for justice for all. Superman stands for the American dream. Superman stands for the pursuit of happiness. Superman stands for Truth. Card does not stand for justice for all. Card does not stand for the American dream. Card does not stand for the pursuit of happiness. Card does not stand for Truth.

Hatred and bigotry is rampant again in this country. Just look at what’s happening in Congress. The total blockage of Obama’s proposals, the continuation of the birthers and their lies, the about-to-be sequestration of our economy is all about the hatred of our first black President. Operative Word Is Black.
 Hiring Card to write an American icon is disgusting because Card is against everything the American dream stands for. That’s my opinion, plain and simple.

Though, as I said, I understand the business behind DC’s decision, I’m also so fucking tired of the “anything for a buck” crap that’s so damn rampant these days. It’s not just in business. It manifests itself everywhere. For instance:

I worked for many years at my local hospital. Across-the-board layoffs were scheduled. Instead of protesting the lay-offs, my union said that any employee who had lost his or her job could “bump” a junior employee. In other words, take the junior employee’s job and leave him or her out in the cold. I found this despicable. The union’s job, im-not-so-ho, was to protect all employees, not just do a “run-around” to solve the problem.

I could never take another person’s job. “It’s not right,” I said. Most of my co-workers mouthed the words, but when push-came-to-shove, most of those who were on the lay-off list did “bump” the one below them. And what was worse, being a small, community hospital, the “bumpers” knew the “bumpees.”

Et tu, Brutus?

Yeah, I know. “Oh, grow up, Mindy.” “Who are you, Pollyanna?” “People gotta do what they gotta do.”

It really sucks that I-N-T-E-G-R-I-T-Y doesn’t seem to mean anything anymore.

But like I said, I get it.

Leave the gun. Take the cannolis.

Go to the mattresses.

It’s business, not personal.

BUT GOD DAMN IT…

IT’S SUPERMAN!

TUESDAY MORNING: Emily S. Whitten

TUESDAY AFTERNOON: Michael Davis

 

 

THE OLD MAN IS UNEARTHED ON KINDLE

New Pulp Author William Preston’s third story featuring the character known only as “The Old Man” comes to ebook via Kindle. “Unearthed,” originally appeared in the September 2012 issue of Asimov’s Science Fiction magazine.

You can get Unearthed on your Kindle here.

About Unearthed:
This 18,000-word novella is the third story to feature my enigmatic hero, referred to as the Old Man in “Helping Them Take the Old Man Down” and as the Big Man or “the man himself” in “Clockworks.” The stories are best read in the order in which they’re being published in Asimov’s Science Fiction—that is, out of chronological order. “Helping Them Take the Old Man Down” takes place in 2001-2002, and should be read first. “Clockworks” takes place in 1962. This prequel is as far back as I plan to go. Two more stories, both sequels to the original tale, are in the works. The earlier stories are available, bundled together as a single e-book, via both Amazon and Barnes and Noble.

Holiday Gifts For Comics and Pop Culture Fans

I don’t know why they call today Black Friday. It sounds like a superhero version of Gulliver’s Travels, as published by DC or Marvel in the 1970s. And that might be the quickest digression we’ve had on ComicMix to date.

A bunch of the ComicMix columnists contributed a list of gift suggestions, all with snappy convenient links to Amazon for your shopping pleasure. Well, Mindy ran her list in her column last Monday; you’ve probably already read that but if not, click through in awe and wonder. Please note: I asked each contributor to include one item that they were directly involved in, so don’t think they’re pandering. That’s not necessarily the case.

john-ostrander-2929455John Ostrander suggests:

GrimJack: Killer Instinct 

Star Wars: Agent of the Empire Vol. 1 Iron Eclipse

Timothy and Ben Truman’s Hawken

Max Allan Collins’ Chicago Lightning: The Collected Short Stories of Nate Heller

Storm Front: Book 1 of the Dresden Files

And, a musical interlude, The Blue Nile: Hats

Martha Thomases recommends:

Larry Hama’s The Stranger (that’s the first of a three-volume Vampire fun-packed thriller in e-book format; Amazon will lead you to the other two)

Knits for Nerds:  30 Projects: Science Fiction, Comic Books, Fantasy, by Toni Carr

My Friend Dahmer by Derf Backderf

Harvey Pekar’s Cleveland 

And a book Martha wrote with Fran Pelzman and Trina Robbins, Cute Guys:  All You Need To Know

Michael Davis recommends:

The Avengers movie in Blu-Ray, the two-disc set.

Watchmen

The Beatles Anthology

My Best Friend’s Wedding

And The Littlest Bitch, the not-children’s book the book Michael wrote with David Quinn and Devon Devereaux.

Emily S. Whitten suggests:

Neil Gaiman’s Neverwhere

Warren Ellis’s Iron Man: Extremis

Bill Willingham’s Fables

Fabian Nicieza’s Cable & Deadpool

Terry Pratchett’s Dodger

Stuart Moore’s Marvel Civil War prose novel 

Ray Bradbury’s The Illustrated Man 

The Philip K. Dick Reader 

The Firefly Jayne’s Fighting Elves women’s tee

Blue Sun shirt 

The Britishcomedy Black Books  

Marc Alan Fishman teamed up with his fellow Unshaven boys to offer:

Crumb (the movie) (that was Marc’s pick)

Courtney Crumrin Volume 1: The Night Things  (that was Kyle Gnepper’s pick)

Witch Doctor, Vol 1: Under the Knife (Matt Wright’s pick)

And the whole group picks Samurai Jack – Season 1 “We owe so much of what Samurnauts are to this amazing series by Gendy Tartakovsky. And the performance by Phil Lamarr is nuanced and brilliant.”

On behalf of our friend Dennis O’Neil, I would like to recommend each and every item he’s recommended in the Recommended Reading portion of his weekly ComicMix column… and I also suggest when you’re at Amazon you check out his own billion or so books – you can’t go wrong with any of them. But, of course, particularly the ones I recommend at the end of this column.

And, finally, I recommend:

The Manhattan Projects, Vol. 1: Science Bad by Jonathan Hickman and Nick Pitarra

Judge Dredd: The Complete Brian Bolland  by John Wagner and (go figure)Brian Bolland

Avengers 1959 by Howard Chaykin

And, finally, The Question trade paperbacks, written by Dennis O’Neil, drawn by Denys Cowan, and edited by Ye Olde Editor. I linked the first of the series; Amazon will guide you to the rest.

Have a great shopping season, drive carefully, don’t lose your cool and start gunning down your fellow shoppers, and unless you start shooting tell ’em ComicMix sent you!

 

YOU TOO CAN BLOG FOR AMAZING STORIES!

For Immediate Release

Amazing Stories Seeks Bloggers
Amazing Stories, the World’s First Science Fiction Magazine, is preparing for its return and is now seeking experienced bloggers with interests in science fiction, fantasy and horror, their sub-genres and their impact on or relationship to film, television, gaming, anime, comics, audio works, visual arts, fandom, publishing and science.
 Since completing two well-received Volume Zero Relaunch Prelaunch issues (required for Trademark registration & to honor our friends)  the Experimenter Publishing Company has been notified by the USPTO that it will be granted its marks; during that same time work was begun on the first stage of the Amazing Stories website, Frank Wu has completed the artwork for Amazing Stories’ first new cover in over seven years and numerous other great things have been happening.

In anticipation of the forthcoming roll out of the new website, Amazing Stories is now seeking the assistance and participation of fans and bloggers from across the genre spectrum.

If you think you might like to write for Amazing Stories, now is your chance.  Please email (Steve.Davidson33@comcast.net Amazing Stories and request an information packet.  

Visit the website and the blog and watch Amazing Stories grow!  Http://www.AmazingStoriesMag.com  Blog.AmazingStoriesmag.com

The Experimenter Publishing Company

REVIEW: “Emperor Mollusk Versus the Sinister Brain” by A. Lee Martinez

emperormollusk-5872363Martinez has been writing humorous SF novels for close to a decade now, all of which have looked like fun to me, but Emperor Mollusk versus the Sinister Brain is the first one I managed to actually read. It’s the SFnal story of a world-conquering squid from Neptune (a super-genius squid from Neptune) in a very comic-booky universe, where every planet in the solar system has an indigenous race with their own high technology.

Emperor Mollusk narrates his own story, starting well after he’s conquered Earth (for its own benefit; he’s a very benevolent tyrant) and mostly focusing on his battle with a new would-be conqueror, who may be even smarter than he is. It’s quick and zippy and colorful and amusing, filled with quips and explosions and last-minute escapes and triple reverses and more high-tech gadgets than all of the Bond movies put together.

And if I even wanted to do a serious critical take on it — and who would want to do such a thing to a book like this? — I read it too long ago to remember any of the pertinent details. Emperor Mollusk is fun, and smart about its generic materials, and thoroughly amusing. I’d be very happy to read more by Martinez if this is the way he usually works.

darkandstormy_5013-5625430

It’s Writing, Captain, But Not As We Know It

darkandstormy_5013-5625430The annual running of the bad prose has come again, with the winners of the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest announced Monday. (Yes, that page is apparently official, even though it looks like something that crawled out of 1996, and not before dying, either.)

In honor of the “dark and stormy night” feller, the judges of the Bulwer-Lytton contest every year choose the most lousy opening sentence they can from among a myriad entrants. This year’s winner was:

As he told her that he loved her she gazed into his eyes, wondering, as she noted the infestation of eyelash mites, the tiny deodicids burrowing into his follicles to eat the greasy sebum therein, each female laying up to 25 eggs in a single follicle, causing inflammation, whether the eyes are truly the windows of the soul; and, if so, his soul needed regrouting.

And it was extruded by one Cathy Bryant of Manchester, England.

Since there are always more bad sentences, there are also category winners. Those of genre interest are:

  • Fantasy: “The brazen walls of the ancient city of Khoresand, situated where the mighty desert of Sind meets the endless Hyrkanean steppe, are guarded by day by the four valiant knights Sir Malin the Mighty, Sir Welkin the Wake, Sir Darien the Doughty, and Sir Yrien the Yare, all clad in armor of beaten gold, and at night the walls are guarded by Sir Arden the Ardent, Sir Fier the Fearless, Sir Cyril the Courageous, and Sir Damien the Dauntless, all clad in armor of burnished argent, but nothing much ever happens.” from David Lippmann of Austin, TX
  • Science Fiction: “As I gardened, gazing towards the autumnal sky, I longed to run my finger through the trail of mucus left by a single speckled slug – innocuously thrusting past my rhododendrons – and in feeling that warm slime, be swept back to planet Alderon, back into the tentacles of the alien who loved me.” from Mary E. Patrick of Lake City, SC

(via Publishers Weekly)

Locus Awards for 2012

locus-5591989I think I have too many RSS feeds in my reader; I keep getting behind and then leaving things unread to deal with “later” — but then there’s too much new stuff I haven’t even looked at, which pushes “later” much further than I’d like.

That’s all prologue to the fact that these awards came out some time ago, and, if I’m going to blog about them at all, I should do it more quickly. Nevertheless, here’s what’s happened recently in award-land:

Locus Awards for 2012Locus magazine, the newspaper of the skiffy field, has polled its frighteningly well-read readers yet again, and these are their choices for the best of the year past:

  • Science Fiction Novel: [[[Embassytown]]], China Miéville (Del Rey; Macmillan)
  • Fantasy Novel: [[[A Dance with Dragons]]], George R.R. Martin (Bantam; Harper Voyager UK)
  • First Novel: [[[The Night Circus]]], Erin Morgenstern (Doubleday)
  • Young Adult Book: [[[The Girl Who Circumnavigated Fairyland in a Ship of Her Own Making]]], Catherynne M. Valente (Feiwel and Friends)
  • Novella: Silently and Very Fast, Catherynne M. Valente (WSFA; Clarkesworld)
  • Novelette: “White Lines on a Green Field”, Catherynne M. Valente (Subterranean Fall ’11)
  • Short Story: “The Case of Death and Honey”, Neil Gaiman (A Study in Sherlock)
  • Anthology: The Year’s Best Science Fiction: Twenty-eighth Annual Collection, Gardner Dozois, ed. (St. Martin’s Griffin)
  • Collection: The Bible Repairman and Other Stories, Tim Powers (Tachyon)
  • Non-fiction: [[[Evaporating Genres: Essays on Fantastic Literature]]], Gary K. Wolfe (Wesleyan)
  • Art Books: [[[Spectrum 18: The Best in Contemporary Fantastic Art]]], Cathy Fenner & Arnie Fenner (Underwood)
  • Artist: Shaun Tan
  • Editor: Ellen Datlow
  • Magazine: Asimov’s
  • Publisher: Tor

Congratulations to all of the winners, and especially to Catherynne M. Valente, for a very impressive three wins in one year.

REVIEW: “Redshirts” by John Scalzi

redshirts-by-john-scalzi-9903213It is simply impossible to declare a novel “not funny.” Humor is so personal that all any person can really do is declare whether he laughed or not.

And so I’ll say this: John Scalzi‘s new novel, Redshirts, has four quotes on the back cover (from luminaries Melinda Snodgrass, Joe Hill, Lev Grossman, and Patrick Rothfuss), all of which make a point to note how funny this book is. On the other hand, I didn’t laugh or smirk before page 120 out of 230 pages of the novel proper [1], and, even after that point, there were only a couple of wan smiles and some light chuckles. This reader must then humbly submit that Redshirts did not strike him as funny as it did the blurbers, and that will inevitably color the rest of this review. Please set your expectations accordingly.

I’ve read all of Scalzi’s novels to date, and grumbled about all of them, which proves something, I suppose. (Probably about me, and probably nothing good, either.) I’ve come to realize that I’m engaging in the common but fruitless effort of wishing that Scalzi was a different writer — or that he were interested in writing different kinds of books — than is actually the case. He clearly has it in him to write “serious” SF of weight and rigor — the mostly-successful novella The God Engines (see my review) shows that, as does his best novel, The Ghost Brigades (which I covered in a more cursory manner) — but it’s also becoming clear that he doesn’t want to be a “serious SF writer,” that he’s more in the vein of Keith Laumer, James H. Schmitz or H. Beam Piper, writing zippy novels set in mildly generic universes with wisecracking heroes who always win out in the end. (I didn’t review his first novel, Agent to the Stars, but I did also cover Old Man’s War, The Last Colony — and then a follow-up on the Old Man’s War-iverse in general — The Android’s Dream, Zoe’s Tale, and then last year’s Fuzzy Nation, so the really devoted reader can trace my history of looking for things in Scalzi novels that I should not expect to find there.) Thus, Redshirts — a novel set in a deliberately generic medium-future setting, with plenty of elbows to the reader’s ribs and references to SF media properties that we are all already familiar with [2], that almost but not quite turns into a giant fuzzy-dog story along the way — is exactly the novel we should have expected from Scalzi, and the reaction to that novel (it’s already hit the New York Times bestseller list) bears that out.

Which is all a long way around saying that Scalzi’s work is deeply resistant to criticism (if not entirely invulnerable to it) and that I, personally, am not well-placed as a critic to do justice to Redshirts in the manner it deserves. (Which would either be an excoriating attack on its flabby second-handedness — though that would also be entirely missing the point; it’s second-handed on purpose — or a loving appreciation written either entirely in Klingon or in quotes from famous TV sci-fi shows, a la Jonathan Lethem’s “The Anxiety of Influence.”)

Redshirts is a slobbery sheepdog of a novel, eager to show off its good nature — it’s a quick, easy read, full of snappy dialogue delivered by characters without too many attributes to confuse the reader and delivered, for the most part, in little-described interior spaces, so as to keep the narrative from being cluttered up by action or description. It’s set in a very Star Trek-y future — very original series Trek, to be precise, for maximum audience identification with the premise and the least amount of friction for Scalzi’s few twists in the tale.

The year is 2456, and the Federation Universal Union has just assigned young Ensign Andrew Dahl to the flagship, Enterprise Intrepid, where he soon learns that junior and low-ranked crew members — whom we know as “Redshirts,” though Dahl doesn’t — die at an unusual rate, and because of exceedingly unlikely events, during “Away Missions.” Dahl, and his fellow not-terribly-well-characterized Ensigns [3], do not want to die, and so they try to figure out why this is, eventually turning to the creepy loner Jenkins (who lives, alone and hidden, in the Jeffries tubes cargo tunnels deep within Intrepid), who has a theory So Crazy that it just might be true.

That theory is amusing, and would be even more amusing at about 2 AM in some convention party, anytime in the past forty years. But it doesn’t lead — in my opinion, of course — to anything really funny afterward, just another succession of scenes of not-well-characterized people shooting mildly-witty dialogue at each other in some more undescribed rooms for another hundred pages until the novel ends. The first half of Redshirts isn’t frightening or ominous enough — and God Engines is proof that Scalzi can do really ominous danger-on-a-starship, when he wants to — and the second half isn’t as big or funny as it should be, either. (It resembles, more than anything else, a rewrite of one particular Star Trek story.)

Redshirts is content to be amusing and pleasant, rather than digging any deeper. It is not a failure in any possible sense of the term, but it may leave some readers wanting more, particularly if they’re long-time SF readers who have seen Redshirt‘s Phildickian premises used more evocatively and subtly by other writers. If you just wondered what a Trek redshirt might have thought about his predicament, and aren’t expecting much, you will enjoy Redshirts. If you hoped for a more complicated, interesting answer to the predicament of high-casualty crewmen, I’d suggest instead looking for the excellent (and mostly ignored) novel Expendable by James Alan Gardner.

[1] There are also three “codas” — related short stories — which add another 90ish pages to the book. They’re in different modes, though, and none of them are funny — none of them seem to aim at being funny, either. They’re the best writing Scalzi does in this book, and that plus the example of God Engines implies that Scalzi is deliberately tuning his novelistic output to a particular market.

[2] My reaction to the use of these as “jokes” is approximated by this T-shirt.

[3] Scalzi eventually has a clever in-universe explanation for this; Redshirts is quite cleverly designed to be precisely the way it is, though one must wonder if spending that much energy emulating mediocrity is really worthwhile.

NEW ‘OLD MAN’ STORY TO APPEAR IN ASIMOV’S!

The September 2012 issue of Asimov’s Science Fiction (appearing via online sources and in bookstores in mid-July) will feature a new novella about the variously named character from William Preston’s “Helping Them Take the Old Man Down” (Asimov’s, March 2010) and “Clockworks” (Asimov’s, April/May 2011), who was conceived in part as an homage to Doc Savage. 


The new story, which takes place in 1925, sends readers back to the first adventure of the man who will, in time, become “the Old Man.” Be sure to look for “Unearthed” in the September Asimov’s.

For those who want to read the stories in the sequence they’re intended to be read, you can now purchase “Helping Them Take the Old Man Down” and the prequel “Clockworks” in ebook format at Amazon. Both novelettes appear bundled together for $2.99 at the following links:

http://www.amazon.com/Helping-Them-Take-Clockworks-ebook/dp/B008BC4EME/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8

Even More Awards You Probably Know About Already

Once again, those few benighted souls relying on Antick Musings for their skiffy-world news have been poorly served, but here’s the most recent clutch of awards given out in our realms:

Robert A. Heinlein Award

This is both a fairly new award — barely a decade old — and one given for a body of work, rather than a specific piece of fiction, which means it has gone to pretty much exactlywho we all would have predicted it would, in pretty much the same order. The award is given, officially, for “outstanding published works in science fiction and technical writings that inspire the human exploration of space” — NASA propaganda, essentially.

This year’s winner is Stanley Schmidt, long-time editor of Analog, and, in best Heinlein fashion, the award itself is a whopping great medallion that Schmidt will be expected to wear as much as he can — or, at least, the matching lapel pins for when the medallion “is impractical.”

Arthur C. Clarke Award

This is the one that Christopher Priest made such a fuss about a few weeks back — it’s one of the major UK “Best SF Novel” awards, given to “the best science fiction novel published in the United Kingdom” as decided by a panel of judges from the British Science Fiction Association, the Science Fiction Foundation, and the SCI-LONDON Film Festival. (Because who better to judge the merits of a novel than people who both organize a film festival and can’t afford a shift key?)

This year, the award went to the only work Priest found barely tolerable, Jane Rogers’s The Testament of Jessie Lamb, which may, perhaps, fill Priest’s heart [1] with something vaguely like happiness.

John W. Campbell Memorial Award

This one is a US “Best SF Novel” award, given — at least, this is how it’s seemed to most outsiders for the past thirty-plus years — to the good SF novel that the late Campbell would have hated the most. (The tone was set early, with with the very first winner, Barry Malzberg’s grim Beyond Apollo, a novel about sex-crazed and just plain old crazed astronauts.)

This year’s slate of nominees has just been announced, and they are:

  • Ernest Cline, Ready Player One (Crown)
  • Kathleen Ann Goonan, This Shared Dream (Tor Books)
  • Will McIntosh, Soft Apocalypse (Night Shade Books)
  • China Miéville, Embassytown (Ballantine Books/Del Rey)
  • Christopher Priest, The Islanders (Gollancz)
  • Joan Slonczewski, The Highest Frontier (Tor Books)
  • Michael Swanwick, Dancing with Bears (Night Shade Books)
  • Lavie Tidhar, Osama (PS Publishing)
  • Daniel H. Wilson, Robopocalypse (Simon & Schuster)
  • Gene Wolfe, Home Fires (Tor Books)
  • Rob Ziegler, Seed (Night Shade Books)

I haven’t read several of these books, so my judgement may be off, but I expect that Osama will be hard to beat: I can feel Campbell already spinning in his grave just because of the nomination. Congratulations to all of the nominees.

I could have sworn there were more than that, but I seem to be at the end of the list for now. Congrats to those who have already won, and good luck for those jostling their way on the very long Campbell list — remember, most of you have already lost!

[1] I originally typed “hard” here — my fingers sometimes have better jokes than I do.