Last week, we went to The Marvel Experience during its stop in San Diego. Taking place in seven large domes, visitors become S.H.I.E.L.D recruits who undergo training in order to fight alongside the Avengers against Hydra in a final showdown. It reminded us of a Marvel themed amusement park, but is it worth the ticket price (ranging from $24.50 to $34.50) when it comes your city? Watch our review to find out.
My beloved Chicago Bears are a team in turmoil. After installing a new head coach roughly two seasons ago, the team has simply never gelled since. This being in spite of fielding a team that is built beautifully on paper. Suffice to say as a fan, I’m left crushed and crestfallen.
But whereas die-hard football fans would simply spend the remaining time of the current season hatewatching games and greedily predicting the firing of staff, I myself am choosing a path of less anguish. No denial, anger, bargaining, depression, or really even acceptance. I’m choosing instead the art of distraction. OK, sure I bet that files under denial, but c’mon: I’m not denying my Bears blew this season in all three phases of the game. Rather than wallow in it, I think it’s a better use of my time to use my somewhat encyclopedic knowledge of comic book characters to build my own team of comics-based footballery.
From time to time we’ve seen the occasional X-Men softball game. Or perhaps a few long-lost scenes of a young Clark Kent tossing the pigskin around. But no, here, I’m relying on the known commodity that is the playground What If game. Here, the rules are simple: I’m constructing my own team of comic book characters to be fielded against any of your chosen champions. In an ultimate contest of “…nuh-uh, my team is better!” It should be fun!
Head Coach: Batman
The best coaches are motivators and strategists. Not withstanding his physical abilities, the greatest asset of the Dark Knight truly is his mind. I could think of no one better to organize a team, develop strategies that capitalize on a team’s strengths, as well as poke holes in the opponents. And while no one on my team would necessarily attempt to “Win one for the Gipper” through some unspoken bond of camaraderie, let’s be honest: Bruce has enough bat-bucks to incentivize his team if the thrill of victory isn’t enough. Furthermore, if the man’s backup plans to defeat the JLA could be used to easily thwart the JLA, well, imagine what would happen if planning was his only job!
Quarterbacks: Captain America (starter), Hawkeye / Green Arrow (backups)
Face it, every team needs that moral center. And at the best teams within the NFL in my lifetime? You have your Tom Bradys, Peyton Mannings, Drew Breeses, and the like. They’re these good ol’ boys who can make stars out of everybody around them. They rally to save the day. They don’t make stupid mistakes when the chips are down. Captain America is all of that and more. He’s a leader – natch – a strategist, and more than capable of firing an accurate projectile. Simply put, there’s no way I could found my team without him at the helm on the field of battle. And as a safe backups? The archers are just safe bets to move the ball accurately across the field.
Running Back / Fullback: The Flash, Juggernaut
When it comes to setting the run down, I’m a firm believer in potent tandems. The Flash is of course the speed on the team. Get the ball in his hand, set his blocks, and he’s in the red zone before you can blink. And when finesse isn’t needed on the goal line? Just put it in the hands of the unstoppable force. And if you don’t believe this balance works? Go ask the 85′ Bears’ Walter Peyton and Walter Perry.
Wide Receivers: Hawkman, Spider-Man, Mister Miracle
The ability to “go up and get it” is my primary concern. Having a natural flyer, a first-class acrobat, and a man who can literally get out of any coverage he might be in, all in order to come down with the ball? Well, that spells yardage to me. And certainly in all three cases, getting yards after catch is clearly not a concern.
The Offensive Line: The Blob (Center), Colossus and Strong Guy (Guards), Bishop and Groot (Setting the edge)
When it comes to protecting the QB, I can think of no line better. I basically built off the idea of immobile behemoths who can stand as a literal human (and tree) wall, from which Captain America can stand behind full-well knowing he has precious time to survey the field. And considering the line consists of an immovable object, two top-heavy strong-men, a guy who can absorb kinetic energy, and a living tree who can at least make things thorny if a linebacker slips by… I’m pretty well set.
Tight End: Beast (starter), Hal Jordan (backup)
A good tight end is many things to a team. He’s a lead-blocker. A pass-catcher. A known diversion. Basically, in my eyes… a wildcard capable of disrupting a defense in any number of situations. I believe with a thinker like Beast lining up, I’d gain insight, agility, and raw strength when needed. And should he be too physical a presence? Well, ole’ Hal and his trust emerald ring of power would do plenty to keep an opposing defender distracted. And hey, no one said you can’t catch a pass with a giant boxing glove, right?
The Defensive Line: Solomon Grundy, Grodd, Doomsday, The Thing
Forgive me: I just wanted four big, mean, nasty dudes ready to tear apart anything that moves when the ball is hiked. I give myself +5 points for choosing a monkey with telepathic powers to boot.
Linebackers: Thor, Hulk, Wonder Woman
Much like the D-Line, my LBs are all about aggression. But unlike Grundy and the gang, here I wanted to add a bit of mobility. While Hulk isn’t exactly light in the loafers… he more than makes up for it with the ability to leap great distances. And anyone who tried to skirt past either of my demi-gods will be eating dirt I say. Verily!
Safeties: Iceman, Plastic Man
Hear me out on this one kiddos. Safeties are those choice defensemen that disrupt any number of offensive tricks. Sending a great receiver down the field? Good luck doing it with ice under foot! Or if I choose to send an odd blitzer, what better to do it then a red and flesh colored bulldozer, complete with wacky sound effects? Nothing. Nothing is better than that.
Corner Backs: Wolverine, The Human Torch
A good corner is the type of guy willing to ride a receiver down the line every step of the way, and when the ball comes sailing towards their hands… no quarter is given. I could easily see “the best there is at what he does” being the type of evil scrapper than would ensure if a catch were to be pulled down… there’d be a short Canadian right there to make him pay. And if an adamantium-laced brawler isn’t doing it for you, how about a man literally on fire? Catch that ball with the heat of the sun literally breathing down your back. I dare you.
And last but not least… the kicker: Iron Man
Because Batman is the coach, and he’d probably get a kick out of a drunk punter.
I know I went a bit long, but I hope it got your gears spinning. So, who would be on your team?
Fans of this column (minus my mom, that leaves what, ten of you?) will no doubt recall my dirty love of professional wrestling. Oy, that came out wrong. That’s what she said! Sorry. Over Thanksgiving weekend, C.M. Punk – the Chicago-Made indie wrestling darling turned WWE Superstar turned turncoat whiny quitter (if Twitter is meant to be believed) – took to the airwaves of his friend’s podcast to pontificate over the sordid details of his departure from under the hooks and claws of Vince McMahon.
It broke the Internet (for smark marks like myself), and did exactly what it was meant to do: give an honest recounting of the multiple reasons why Punk made the bold choice to walk away from the only game in town. Amongst the cadre of reasons presented, they all boiled down to fairness.
Punk was hurt physically, burnt out mentally, and denied creativity by the powers-that-be at the WWE. Ultimately, it sounded like Vinnie Mac’s corporate brainchild was operating like… a corporation. Punk was merely a cog in the wheel, and for whatever reasons those above his pay-grade felt, he wasn’t given the opportunities he sought out professionally. With nothing left in his tank, he took his ball and went home.
In the year since his walkout, Punk healed his body and mind. Local Chicagoans saw him at Blackhawks games. Geeks nationwide saw him on the Talking Dead. And Jason Aaron and Marvel Comics saw him when he inked a quick deal to co-write an upcoming Thor annual as well as “some other books in 2015.” Anyone who was on the Internet at any point last week no doubt saw Punk everywhere, as he announced that he’s also now signed a deal with Dana White and the Ultimate Fighting Championship. Punk fans like myself were elated over all of these sightings and announcements. But there’s also been a groundswell of haters assembling as well. Why? Because to throw back in his face what he himself complained about… all of these opportunities come across as being unfair.
OK, take away the good seats at Blackhawks games. Punk is no doubt well-off enough that he was able to purchase his tickets like anyone else. And if you listened the podcast, you’d also note he paid United Center prices for hotdogs and beer. This means he’s friggen’ rich. Nothing unfair there. And let’s even dismiss any whining over his Talking Dead appearances. Punk is a friend of Chris Hardwick, and I’m 99% certain that the casting of the panels for that show aren’t earned over merit. That leaves the UFC and Marvel Comics.
C.M. Punk is a great at many things. But professional writer… well, I didn’t see it on his LinkedIn profile. It’s not a secret that he’s an avid reader of comics, and has even dabbled in writing scripts and promos and storylines for himself when he was wrestling. But never over those years did I see bylines in the dirt-sheets declaring “Punk submits new ideas in to Dan DiDio” or “C.M. Punk taking meetings with Axel Alonso”. But to paraphrase the man himself, Punk was clear to denote in one documentary (“The Best in the World” as put out by the WWE, in case you’re interested) that he would “bother the guys in the Marvel booth at every chance” in an effort to score a deal, when he would do signings at Wizard World conventions. Well, consider the perseverance (and the litany of fans outside of mainstream comic book aficionados) noted and accepted. Put a pin in that.
The UFC is by it’s own definition the “world’s leading MMA promoter,” offering bouts “where hybrid athletes are required to know various disciplines in order to compete at an elite level.” C.M. Punk has some experience with Brazilian jiu-jitsu and kenpo karate. And while I’d never wish to befoul him in a darkened alleyway… to the best of my googling abilities, Punk isn’t exactly cited anywhere as being elite in either of those forms of combat. Suffice to say, much like his deal to write comics, Punk’s biggest talent (by way solely of available data) is his passion, his commitment, and his fan-base.
This all converges on the point of fairness. Is it fair that a man be given opportunities others are competing for by leveraging popularity over proven talent? Is it fair without a comic book credit to his name otherwise, Punk be given a shingle with one of the most powerful publishers in the industry –while guys like me, and the hundreds (if not thousands) of independent creators who would break our thumbs for the chance – simply because he asked perpetually? Is it fair that he also be given a deal to fight for a promotion that has hundreds of other known fighters with professional experience, when he himself hasn’t even a single bout to his name? Well, no. It’s not fair.
But really, this was never about fairness. Punk’s contract with Marvel and the UFC is about business.
Marvel Comics and Dana White provided C.M. Punk with the writing and fighting gigs because he is a known draw. Jason Aaron is an acclaimed writer on his own, no doubt, but slap Punky Brewster on that Thor annual and you might just move more copies. And the UFC is the premier fight promotion with 181 pay-per-views under it’s belt to date. Adding Punk to a card probably means Dana White and company will be able to fund 181 more of them based on the increase in buys. Haters will purchase it to see Punk turned into an ink stain. Punkateers and first-time MMA fans will too, to see their darling beat the odds. For all parties concerned? It’s win-win.
And for those that will call Punk out for the hypocrisy that he’d complain he was treated unfairly at the WWE where part-time stars were given preferential treatment only to do the same thing now in two new industries? Well, you can cash that check at the bank anytime you’d like. C.M. Punk isn’t a babyface hero, here to live by a honor-bound code of justice. He’s an entrepreneur, a passionate fan, and lucky son-of-a-bitch. It’s not fair…
… and it never had to be.
This is a great time for the business side of American comics. Sales are higher than they’ve been for decades, at least in terms of dollars.
(It’s true that in the 1940s many titles sold millions of copies apiece. Those were different times.)
According to the article cited in the link, only titles featuring Batman and Spider-Man consistently sell more than 100,000 an issue. It’s true that Spider-Man and Batman star in a lot of titles, and comics cost a lot more than they did in the 1940s. Still, superheroes are not the monolithic force in the market that they used to be, and single-issues print copies are no longer the biggest part of the market. Graphic novels account for almost half the sales. Digital is estimated to be at least ten percent.
(I know that these categories overlap. My point stands.)
In any case, I think this is good for the medium. I think more kinds of books, available at more kinds of stores, will attract more kinds of readers. More readers mean more money, and more money means more books. Yay!
By their announcements these past few weeks, Marvel demonstrated that it notices changes in the market and will at least pay lip service to them.
The more high profile story of the two is this one, which Joe Quesada announced on The Colbert Report. Captain America will no longer be Steve Rogers, but instead will be his pal, Sam Wilson, who until this point has been The Falcon. Also, up until this point, he’s been African-American, which I assume he will remain while he is Captain America.
This is not the first time a comic book character has changed his or her race. My first experience was when Lois Lane literally went from white to black. We’ve also had John Henry Irons as one of the possible Supermen, come back from the dead.
For that matter, we’ve had a black Captain America before. I love this book. I wish Marvel’s lawyers had been able to work out the deal for the sequel before we lost Bob Morales.
Does this bring in non-white readers? I have no idea. I don’t even know how they could find out, unless comic book stores now have NSA technology that lets them secretly photograph every sale. However, I think one of America’s great shames is the way we handle race relations, and therefore, this is a rich subject for fiction.
Speaking of difficult relationships, Marvel’s other big announcement is that Thor will soon be a woman. One of my favorite story lines of all time was from back in the 1980s, when Walter Simonson made Thor a frog. To me, this epitomizes what’s great about comics, because in any other medium, this would be ridiculous (and, if filmed, really expensive), but in Walter’s hands, it made perfect sense. Therefore, I hesitate to denounce this new development, although that is my first impulse.
I’m not really up on my mythology, but Thor is, after all, a god. The Norse gods, like the Greek gods, and probably like a whole bunch of other gods, are personifications of primal human emotions and experiences. The only reason Thor has gender is that the Norse decided that thunder and lightning were masculine.
Like the Greeks, the Norse often had male and female deities representing different aspects of the same thing. Ares and Athena, for example, were both aspects of War to the Greeks. Baldur and Freya represented beauty to the Norse in different ways.
In other words, there is no real reason for Thor to be female. And if he’s going to now be she, I would find the storyline more appealing if the character was represented as a woman with a build that is a reasonable counterpart to the masculine representation. The only artwork I’ve seen shows a woman with gigantic breasts (or, at least, a gigantic breastplate) that would be impossible with the muscle mass I assume she has.
Maybe gods get free implants when they transition. Maybe she’s using the space in her armor for snacks.
Marvel has said they want this new female Thor to appeal to women readers. I don’t know why they think women want thunder goddesses with implants. Marvel says women readers will like the strong female protagonist Thor now represents.
This woman reader would prefer a version of female strength that isn’t derivative of a male character. I’d prefer something new and different, something that reflects the kinds of modern experiences that women have. Marvel already does this well with Captain Marvel and Ms. Marvel.
Maybe they don’t have enough snacks.
I suppose Marvel decided to call its evil super-corporation Roxxon, because the name sounded like real-life super-corporation Exxon, but not so close that it would get them sued, and because, back in 1974, the Comics Code wouldn’t have let Marvel call it Roxxoff. And now, having gone for the cheap laugh, let’s move on to a discussion of Roxxon and Thor: God of Thunder# 19.
Roxxon’s history is as checkered as a table cloth in an Italian restaurant. And twice as dirty. It’s reputed that back in the day, when it was called Republic Oil, Roxxon had Tony Stark’s parents killed. Its scientific R & D subsidiary, The Brand Corporation, routinely creates super villains to fight for Roxxon’s interests through such socially uplifting tactics as industrial sabotage. It covered up the disaster when a technology it was developing to beam solar power by microwave transmission went out of control and killed all 200 people in Allantown, Iowa. It tried to find alternative energy sources by kidnaping and studying super heroes. It hired the super villain Flag-Smasher to engage in a murder plot at the United Nations. And that’s just what I learned from Wikipedia. Imagine what I could have found out if I’d had the time to read all of Roxxon’s prior appearances in the comic books.
Anyway, Roxxon was clearly not the poster child for the Good Neighbor Policy. Then it was purchased by the Kronas Corporation.
Kronas was a front organization for the Red Skull, when he was inhabiting the body of former KBG general Aleksander Lukin. Its goal was destroying the democratic capitalist system in general and the United States in particular. And it had ties to terrorist organizations that were being investigated by the United States government. I can’t imagine that era in Roxxon’s history did much for its public perception.
But now, as we learned in Thor: God of Thunder # 19, Roxxon was the “all-new” Roxxon Energy Corporation. It was, once again, its own master and not under the control of the Kronas Corporation. According to its new CEO, Dario Agger, Roxxon was trying to establish itself as a new and benevolent super-corporation. After all, “Roxxon is the world’s wealthiest and most powerful super-corporation. If we don’t know what’s best for the people of this planet, then … who does?” I haven’t heard such uplifting words of public conscience since General Bullmoose.
Roxxon’s first step in its program to prove its benevolence to the world was to supply the planet with much needed drinking water by mining icebergs on Europa, one of the moons of Jupiter, and exporting them back to Earth. Water mined on a moon of Jupiter and shipped back to Earth for human consumption? Assuming the government didn’t immediately quarantine the aqua Eurpoa until it could verify that it didn’t contain lethal alien toxins – assuming Roxxon could actually sell it to the world – well what was that going to cost? That stuff would make Kona Nigari Water look like plain old Evian by comparison.
Now we long-time Marvel readers have learned not to trust Roxxon or its previous CEOs. So it’s understandable that we’re skeptical of Mr. Agger and whatever his agenda for Roxxon truly is. Especially when you consider Agger’s nickname in business school was “The Minotaur” and the cover to the comic shows an actual Minotaur on it. I took English, I studied foreshadowing and that can’t be good.
Moreover, we’re not alone in not trusting Mr. Agger. Neither does Rosalind Solomon, an environmental field agent for S.H.I.E.L.D. Difference being, while we suspect Agger and Roxxon are up to no good – mostly because we haven’t had a chance to read Thor: God of Thunder# 20 yet – Ms. Solomon is quite vocal about her suspicions. “If Roxxon gets caught breaking the law, they simply pay to have the laws changed.”
You know, Roz, Roxxon may be good at being bad, but it’s not that good.
There are many things Roxxon could do with its lots of money to avoid being convicted of the crimes it commits. It could bribe juries to find them not guilty. It could bribe prosecutors or members of the Justice Department not to bring charges. It could bribe judges to rule key evidence was not admissible. It could even become such a super-duper super-corporation that the Justice Department would deem it “Too big to jail.” The one thing it couldn’t do, and hope for any degree of success, would be to bribe lawmakers to change the laws, after they’ve already broken them. Because it doesn’t matter what happens to the laws after you break them.
If you do something that, at the time you did it, was illegal, you broke the law. It doesn’t matter that the law gets changed after you broke it. If it was against the law, you can be prosecuted. If the law got changed after you broke it and what you did is no longer a crime now, you still broke the law. And you can still be prosecuted.
People in Colorado who were convicted of possessing marijuana in October of 2012, didn’t suddenly become non-criminals in November of 2012, when the state voted to decriminalize possession of marijuana. Oh sure, Colorado’s governor might pardon the people who were convicted before the law changed. After all, if Colorado doesn’t deem that behavior to be criminal any longer, pardoning prior offenders would be both a good-will gesture and a way of easing prison overcrowding. But absent something like that, the people convicted before November, 2012 would still be convicted criminals.
In the same way, if Roxxon gets caught breaking some law and pays to have said law changed after it got caught breaking that law, it still broke that law. It can still be prosecuted.
In stating that Roxxon gets away with things, because it pays to have the laws changed after it gets caught breaking those laws, Agent Solomon was showing the same sort of legal acumen demonstrated by the biblical king with whom she shares a name. You know, the guy whose greatest legal triumph was ruling that a baby claimed by two different women should be cut in two because, he assumed, only the false claimant would consent and say, “Yes, I’ll take half a dead baby, please.”
Synopsis: Marvel’s Thor: The Dark World continues the big screen adventures of Thor, the Mighty Avenger, as he battles to save Earth and all the Nine Realms from a shadowy enemy that predates the universe itself. In the aftermath of Marvel’s The Avengers, Thor fights to restore order across the cosmos… but an ancient race led by the vengeful Malekith returns to plunge the universe back into darkness. Faced with an enemy that even Odin and Asgard cannot withstand, Thor must embark on his most perilous and personal journey yet, one that will reunite him with Jane Foster and force him to sacrifice everything to save us all.
Cast: Chris Hemsworth (Marvel’s Thor, Marvel’s The Avengers, Snow White and the Huntsman) as Thor, Natalie Portman (Marvel’s Thor, Black Swan, Star Wars Episodes I-III) as Jane Foster, Tom Hiddleston (Marvel’s Thor, Marvel’s The Avengers, War Horse) as Loki and Anthony Hopkins (Thor, Silence of the Lambs, Nixon) as Odin.
Director: Alan Taylor (TV’s Game of Thrones, TV’s The Sopranos, TV’s Mad Men)
Screenplay: Christopher L. Yost (Revolutionary Road, Snitch)
Christopher Markus (Pirates of the Caribbean franchise)
Stephen McFeely (Pirates of the Caribbean franchise)
Story by: Don Payne
Robert Rodat
Producer: Kevin Feige, p.g.a. (Marvel’s The Avengers, Marvel’s Iron Man Franchise)
Executive Producers: Louis D’Esposito (Basic Instinct, Marvel’s Iron Man, Marvel’s The Avengers)
Victoria Alonso (Marvel’s Iron Man, Marvel’s The Avengers, Big Fish)
Craig Kyle (X-Men: Evolution, Ultimate Avengers, Iron Man: Armored Adventures)
Alan Fine (Marvel’s The Avengers, Marvel’s Iron Man, Marvel’s Thor)
Nigel Gostelow (Batman Begins, The Bourne Ultimatum, The Da Vinci Code)
Stan Lee (Marvel’s Iron Man, Spider-Man, Marvel’s Thor)
Release Date: February 4, 2014 for Digital 3D (Select Retailers) and Digital HD
February 25, 2014 (Direct Pre-book: TBC; Distributor Pre-book: TBC)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kzDF9iktMzI&feature=youtu.be
Bonus Features:
(3D Combo Pack, BD, DVD & Select Digital Retailers)
· Never-Before-Seen Extended and Deleted Scenes
· Gag Reel
· Exclusive Look – Marvel’s Captain America: The Winter Soldier
o Get an exclusive first look at the latest installment in the Captain America franchise and its incredible cast of characters, including Scarlett Johansson as the Black Widow, Samuel L. Jackson as Director Nick Fury, Chris Evans, our hero Steve Roger’s, his new ally Sam Wilson, aka the Falcon played by Anthony Mackie, and a mysterious enemy from the past…the Winter Soldier played by Sebastian Stan.
· A Brothers’ Journey: Thor & Loki
o In this 30 min feturette go behind the scenes with filmmakers and cast as we explore two of the most iconic characters in the Marvel Universe with stars Chris Hemsworth (Thor) & Tom Hiddleston (Loki), and journey through the key moments that have defined and endeared these characters to audiences around the world.
· Scoring Marvel’s Thor: The Dark World with Brian Tyler
o Go behind the scenes with the filmmakers and acclaimed composer Brian Tyler for a look at the creation of the movie’s stunning original score.
· Audio Commentary with Director Alan Taylor, Producer Kevin Feige, Actor Tom Hiddleston (Loki) and Cinematographer Kramer Morgenthau
· And More…
Ratings: PG-13
Feature Run Time: 1 hrs. 51 min. 53 seconds
Aspect Ratio: 1.85:1
Audio: Dolby Digital Surround Sound
Languages: English, French & Spanish
Subtitles: English, French & Spanish
Consider this a free lesson in becoming a rich and successful writer, be it in Hollywood, comic books, TV, movies… whatever. Yes kiddos, you too can be a mega-player in the game if you follow my patent-pending advice. And since there’s no use to wasting time, let me get to them write now. Get it?
Copy someone better than you. See, I’m already gonna copy legendary John Ostrander, who in his article this very week gave out five tips to aspiring writers as well. But as you’ll learn, babe, it’s not about who did it first… just who does it next. I recall, fondly, that one of my professors at college had his intro to screenwriting class begin the year by dissecting their favorite romantic comedy for structure, and then literally rewrite it according to the corresponding skeleton etched out. Nifty, eh? So when the chips are down and your screen is blank, just boot up Netflix, and get prepared to appropriate your masterpiece.
Retcon it, reboot it, or make a prequel/sequel! Why waste your time creating an original piece of work when you can start where someone else started? As a natural next-step of copying someone who is better than you, you can get oodles of dollars by simply refraining from even considering originality as an option. DC Comics may have canceled a Batman series recently, but you best believe that someone else will fill in the slot the second they see an uptick in BatSales. It’s their New52 M.O.: when sales spike, it’s time to expand! Justice League look good? Make it dark! Make it American! Make it StormWatch! Err… Simply put, if you want to be a resource to those folks who sign the big checks? Then be prepared to take on the franchise when the original creator is off doing whatever it is “artists” do. Remember, you want to be writer… not an artist.
When the editor says “Jump”, already be in the air. When you’re in the air? Be screaming “Is this high enough?!” You see, in today’s market, the writer is just another tool in the box. One need not be “good” as much as “serviceable.” When he-who-signs-the-paychecks demands you kill a character off, or refrain from being “too gay,” you salute them, thank them for their bold choices, and immediately write exactly what they’re looking for. If they’re vague? See tips #1 and #2 above. You can never go wrong by pitching to them that which they already know. At the end of the day, they want money. The market proves to us day in and day out that one need not break barriers, blow minds, or explore new territory with our creative fiction. What sells today is what sold yesterday… with a shiny new coating.
Kill off as many characters as needed to feel edgy. Look kids: sex and death sell. Nothing in fiction is off limits. Hell, they killed a major character on Family Guy not even a month ago, and boom, he’s back. Captain America? Time bullet. Batman? Time warp. Thor? Ragnorak. The X-Men? Time vortex. Get violent if you need to. Hell, Man of Steel and The Avengers leveled near entire cities to make their point. Better yet, they gave away the secret to how you end things afterwards. Want your audience to leave with a knowing smirk on their face? Have your heroes be a bit witty amidst the wanton destruction, and maybe let them get a sandwich. Need your audience to feel remorse for all the devastation? Have your hero scream in agony, and then end on the witty retort. Boom. Roll the credits, and whatever you do… Do not forget the stinger. Thanks to Mickey, we have to end everything, and then end it again. Or, pull a Jackson: end your piece, and then end it eight more times. Each time make it gayer and more emotionally despondent. People eat that crap up like McRibs.
Remember that the critics, fans, et al don’t matter anymore. In the age of the Internet, everyone is a critic. Thanks to news sites, blogs, somehow-still-alive newspapers, social media, et cetera, every new release is covered by hundreds of would-be pundits. No matter your score, trust me, you’re fine. If you deliver an atrocity? You’ll pop up on everybody’s Worst Of lists, and your sales will spike as rubber-neckers come to guffaw. Get a middle of the road review? Just head to the comment section, and accuse yourself (anonymously) of being gay, racist, or a gay-racist. Then, as yourself, open up an Instagram account, and post angst-riddled notes of how depressing your life is. Soon enough, they’ll forget if your work was any good anyways. Hell, go apeshit and you could end up like Charlie Sheen. He went AWOL, and nabbed a 20/90 backend multi-season pickup for a show so by-the-book, most scripts are handled via an AOL mad-lib generator.
As far as fans go, just know that you’re safe. When you do an acceptable job writing up the expectable (it is a word now.), only elitist Onion readers will get up in arms. Do you really care if a horn-rimmed glasses wearing, curly mustachioed, corduroy and bow-tie bedazzled Arcade Fire fan thinks your work is shallow and pedantic? Do you mind that I just lifted a line straight off The Simpsons? Of course you don’t! At the end of the day, you want a paycheck and a fluffy credit. I want a yes-man. It’s a win-win situation.
The key to this all is simple. The world is going to end eventually. You’re either going to be frozen is actual carbonite (rich people have the technology – for real) or buried in a pine box right off the highway. It’s your call. Live and eat well by doing what they tell you to do, or have a backbone and visible ribs. The choice is yours. Your foolproof plan is laid out above.
When you’re famous, do me a solid and link back to this article. I’m cold, and extra readers keeps my furnace running.
SUNDAY: John Ostrander
MONDAY: Mindy Newell
Closing windows on our desktops so you can you open them on yours. Here we go…
No online database will replace your daily newspaper, no CD-ROM can take the place of a competent teacher and no computer network will change the way government works… How about electronic publishing? Try reading a book on disc. At best, it’s an unpleasant chore: the myopic glow of a clunky computer replaces the friendly pages of a book. And you can’t tote that laptop to the beach. Yet Nicholas Negroponte, director of the MIT Media Lab, predicts that we’ll soon buy books and newspapers straight over the Intenet. Uh, sure.
Uh, sure, indeed. I will just note that the Web is still here, while Nirvana ended in the 90s.
Anything else? Consider this an open thread.
We’re not always aces when it comes to accurate prophecy, we comic book pundits, though we shouldn’t hang our collective head too far down because prophecy doesn’t seem to be anybody’s strong point.
Anyway, almost eight years ago, in a precursor of this weekly blather, when I was younger and less evolved – I still had fur on top – I wondered if the meme of the costumed superhero was passé. Quoth I: “…what we’re asking now is, are costumed heroes an idea whose time has gone? Has the genre become too sophisticated for this part of its yesterday? Apparently, those who labor in television think so. None of video’s superfolk wear stuff that couldn’t be gotten at an upscale mall…”
That was then and this is now and the fortune telling implicit in what’s quoted above was as accurate as your newspaper’s daily horoscope. That is, not very. But it might be accurate in a year or seven; technology has hugely accelerated pop culture and the times are always a’changin. But that may be then and this is now and now superhero costumes are in no danger of extinction.
Look no further than the nearest movie screen. Superman, Iron Man, Batman, Thor, Green Lantern, The X Men. Spider-Man, Catwoman and, waiting in the wings, truth-inducing lariat at the ready, Wonder Woman. None of these people buy their business wardrobe at Marshall’s. Can’t get to the movies? (Yeah, well, ten bucks a ticket is kind of stiff, especially if you’re a fast food worker or a Walmart employee.) Go to the television set. There are currently two comic book-derived prime time shows on the tube, not counting cartoons, and one of them, Arrow, puts characters in costumes – maybe not costumes as blatant as the comics incarnations of those characters sport, but not what you’d wear to Sunday services, either. And more costume-wearers are in Arrow’s future, among them The Bronze Tiger and The Question. (I’ll plead that The Question’s mask is a costume as Will Eisner apparently thought The Spirit’s mask and gloves qualified as a costume.)
The Flash, who currently appears in Arrow in his alternate identity, will have his own show soon and, boy, The Flash – now there’s a costume-wearer! (Minor trivia note: The Flash was the hero of an earlier television program that ran in 1990-1991 and was largely written by comics’ own stalwart Howard Chaykin.)
The other comic book show is Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. and there is no spectacular apparel on view in it, but maybe there ought to be. We find the program, well…okay. If we want an action show with a twist of heroic fantasy, S.H.I.E.L.D. does the job. But if we yearn for a superhero fix, the show doesn’t deliver. Mentally bracket it with Covert Affairs, globe-trotting adventure stuff that has a slightly different vibe than the fantasy-melodrama that’s the realm of the super folk.
Next week, a different topic, but I can’t foresee what it will be.
THURSDAY AFTERNOON: The Tweaks!
FRIDAY MORNING: Martha Thomases
In case you missed it, Marvel’s Iron Man & Hulk: Heroes United was released last week and we’ve got one giveaway package of the Blu-ray Combo Pack along with an exclusive Iron Man MiniMate courtesy of our friends at Shout! Factory.
In order to win, tell us who would win a fight — Iron Man or the Hulk — and why. Your entries have to be received by 11:59 p.m., Saturday, December 14. Open only to readers in the United States and Canada. The judgment of ComicMix‘s judges will be final.
Synopsis:
Marvel makes history again with one of the greatest Heroic team ups in the universe. Hulk’s brute strength and Tony Stark’s high-tech intellect come together to create a powerful duo necessary to face off against one of the most dangerous enemies.
When “Zzzax,” a seemingly invincible, energy devouring monster threatens to destroy the planet, these two Avengers are mankind’s only hope. Alone, neither can defeat the awesome power of Zzzax. As a team, they just might have a chance – if they can find a way to work together without smashing heads before time runs out!
Packed with explosive action, loaded with bonus features and presented in groundbreaking Marvel CG Animation, Iron Man & Hulk: Heroes United is a must-own movie event that will blow you away!
Voice Cast: Adrian Pasdar (TV’s Heroes, Marvel’s Ultimate Spider-Man) and Fred Tatasciore (TV’s Marvel’s Hulk and the Agents of S.M.A.S.H., Marvel’s Ultimate Spider-Man)
Supervising Creative
Director: Eric Radomski (TV’s Marvel’s Ultimate Spider-Man, Batman: The Animated Series)
Supervising Director: Leo Riley (TV’s Mad, The Rickey Gervais Show)
Writer: Henry Gilroy (TV’s Animatrix, Batman: The Animated Series, Batman Beyond) and Brandon Auman (TV’s Iron Man: Armored Adventures, The Avengers: Earth’s Mightiest Heroes)
Executive Producers: Alan Fine (Marvel’s The Avengers, Thor, Iron Man 2), Dan Buckley (TV’s Marvel’s Ultimate Spider-Man, Marvel’s Avengers Assemble, Marvel’s Hulk and the Agents of S.M.A.S.H.) Joe Quesada (TV’s Marvel’s Avengers Assemble, Marvel’s Ultimate Spider-Man) and Jeph Loeb (TV’s Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)
Bonus Features:
Marvel “Inter-missions”
Marvel puts a humorous twist on their old-school original animated series. What better way to take a break from fighting villains than hitting pause and enjoying a little comedy with Marvel Mash-Ups.
Marvel Team-Up with Ryan Penagos and Joe Q.
Super Heroes are larger than life on their own. But when they join forces with another, they become a force to be reckoned with. Marvel’s Chief Creative Officer, Joe Quesada, joins Ryan Penagos (Agent M) in an intimate and lively one-on-one conversation about these Marvel Team-Ups.
Rating: PG
Feature Run Time: 72 minutes
Aspect Ratio: 1.78:1
Audio: Dolby Digital Surround Sound: English 5.1 – Spanish 5.1 – French 5.1
Languages: English, Spanish, French
Subtitles: English: ESL, English: SDH, Spanish, French
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