One of the doctors I’ve worked with once asked me “What’s it like to be a writer?”

I guarantee that every single one of the columnists here at ComicMix has been asked that question, or a form of it, quadrillions of times.

The mother of one of my daughter’s friends: “Where do you get your ideas?”

A co-worker at my day job: “So what do you do? They give you the comic and you put the words in those balloons?”

An old boyfriend: “You get paid for that?”

My mother on the phone, back when I was a full-time freelancer: “What do you do all day? How can you sit in your pajamas until 3:00 in the afternoon?

Mom on the phone again: “I’m sorry to bother you. Are you typing?”

The answers:

“What’s it like to be a doctor?” (Cracking wise.)

“I don’t know.” (Case in point: last week’s Bizzaro column. Where the fuck did that come from?)

“Yeah.” (I used to go into a full-scale elucidation of the full-script method, which is similar to writing a movie script, except that in a movie script very little art direction is given as the writer pretty much leaves that up to the cinematographer, whereas in a comic script the story is broken down panel-by-panel with instructions to the artist of what is happening, which can range from “Superman hits Doomsday,” to detailed descriptions of what the man standing behind the woman in the crowd watching Superman hit Doomsday is wearing – and you should read one of Alan Moore’s scripts for anything he’s ever written if you really want see and understand what I’m talking about – and dialogue or captions or thought balloons vs. the “Marvel-style” of writing comics, in which the writer breaks down the action into page-by-page descriptions of what’s happening in the story, after which the editor sends it to the artist to – oh, never mind. I know you’re getting that bored look, just like the questioner, who would blank out on me within ten seconds of my explanation, just like I know you’re doing now.)

“Yes.”

“It’s 3:00?”

“Yes, Mom, I’m typing.”

I think all writers go through this type of third-degree in one form or another. Yes, even Pulitzer Prize winning novelists like Michael Chabon (The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay), Oscar Hijuelos (The Mambo Kings Play Songs Of Love), Toni Morrison (Beloved), Michael Cunningham (The Hours), and Bernard Malamud (The Fixer).

And the funny thing is, those questions from co-workers, friends, boyfriends and girlfriends, and parents: What’s it like to be a writer? Where do you get your ideas? You put the words in the funny balloons? You make any money at that? What do you do all day? How can you sit around in your pajamas ‘til 3:00 in the afternoon? Are you typing? – are the same questions I think all writers ask themselves.

Fer shur I’ve asked myself those questions. Many a time, and over and over.

And I have a confession to make.

I still have trouble saying “I’m a writer.”

Is it an ego thing? I don’t generally go around saying, “Look out, world, here I come! Get out of my way!” But I do have it on good authority – Alixandra and Jeff – that I’m a “firecracker.” Which is very gratifying to my ego, but then why am I in therapy? (Funny story. I was talking with my therapist before Alix and Jeff’s wedding, telling him how I was having all this angst and shpilkes (Yiddish for “nerves”) and bad dreams, and he said “That’s because you’re neurotic,” and I yelled at him, “I’m not neurotic!” Um…well, I guess you had to be there, or in therapy, to get it.)

A writer can plot. I still can’t plot worth a damn. Fellow columnists like Denny O’Neil and John Ostrander have tried to teach me, and though I do get it intellectually, I fail more often than I succeed. Julie Schwartz told me that there’s only one essential plot. Boy meet girl. Boy loses girl. Boy gets girl. Every story is a variation of that. (I think he was repeating, or paraphrasing, something that someone famous once said, but I can’t remember.) I get it. I really do. And sometimes it works for me. More often than not I hit a wall, and then I’m dead in the water. I didn’t even know what I was going to write about when I sat down to write this column.

A writer doesn’t put off writing. I’m a natural-born procrastinator. Yep, I’m essentially a lazy couch potato. Or computer solitaire player. Without a deadline (and I’m writing this on Saturday night, right now it’s 10:59 p.m., and though it’s still Saturday, I should have finished this column way, way earlier, like last Monday), I’m hopeless. I’ll never finish that novel in my drawer because there’s no agent/editor/publisher breathing down my neck to finish it.

A writer carries around a little notebook to jot down ideas. Or writes them down on any piece of paper he or she can find. Woody Allen does that. Last week I watched the PBS documentary about Mr. Allen, and I watched him pull out a drawer, it was in his bedroom, and in that drawer were pieces of paper, napkins, post-it notes, paper plates, handkerchiefs, anything he could write one, all with ideas, a sentence here, a word there, an observation, a thought – and he laid them out on the bed and it was a heap o’ words, a collection of yeeaarrsssss. Well, I did have a little pad to carry around with me at work – oh, hell, I’ve bought dozens of ‘em – but I always get so busy and I don’t know where the hell they go. Or I’ll write something down on a scrap of paper and lose it.

A real writer writes because he or she has to. Whether it sucks or whether it’s a bestseller that’s optioned and becomes the next Oscar and Golden Globe winner. I don’t have to write. I don’t have that burning need.

Or do I?

Oh.

Wait.

I guess I am a writer.

Or a typist.

TUESDAY: Michael Davis

New York, NY  (December 2, 2011) Top Cow Productions and Image Comics announced today a premiere launch event at Meltdown in Los Angeles for the Pilot Season 2011 voting period. The Pilot Season “Take Control” party invites Los Angeles fans to meet the various creative teams involved in 2011’s Pilot Season competition, get their books signed, and get the details on how they can determine the winning series this year. The event is co-sponsored by Chipotle Mexican Grill, through arrangement with marketing firm Bonfire Agency.

Since 2007, Pilot Season has become the leading fan-driven comic event, allowing creators to compete with brand-new original properties for fan votes. This year, Top Cow released eight unique pilot issues by eight creative teams ranging from established industry pros to up-and-coming talent to screenwriters and even one NFL All Star. With all eight books in stores, voting will begin on Monday, December 5th at topcow.com, where fans can also find additional information on each title.

To kick off the highly contested month of voting, Top Cow and Image Comics have partnered with Meltdown Comics to host a “Take Control” launch party on Wednesday, December 7th from 7:00-9:00pm. Fans will have the opportunity to mingle with the creative teams, get their Pilot Season issues signed, receive free comics from Top Cow, and enjoy free food and drinks furnished by Chipotle Mexican Grill. Confirmed guests include Joshua Hale Fialkov, Rahsan Ekedal, Morgan Davis Foehl, Dennis Calero, Brad Keene, Matt Hawkins, Filip Sablik, Nick Nantell,Dan Casey, and Troy Peteri. All fans in attendance will also receive “Buy One, Get One Free” certificates for future visits to Meltdown’s neighborhood Chipotle at 7660 Sunset Blvd. Meltdown Comics, one of Los Angeles’ premiere comic shops, is located at 7522 Sunset Blvd, Los Angeles, CA 90046 and can be reached at (323) 851-7223.

This year’s voting process has evolved from previous years. From December 5th to December 18th, fans will be able to vote as often as they would like for their favorite series. On December 19th, the four highest vote-getters will continue to the second round. Until December 25th, fans will be able to vote once per day for their favorite series, with the highest two vote-getters continuing to the final round of competition on December 26th. The final winning series will be determined when voting closes on December 31st and will be announced in early January 2012.

“Pilot Season is one of the highlights of the year for all of us at Top Cow and we’re thrilled to kick off the voting in style at Meltdown,” commented Top Cow Publisher, Filip Sablik, “Rather than just do a standard signing event, we thought it’d be fun to have a party and celebrate all these great new books! I wouldn’t be surprised if we had a couple impromptu campaign speeches on December 7th.”

“We’re thrilled to have Chipotle on board for this leg of the Pilot Season program,” added Steve Rotterdam, Bonfire Co-Founder and Partner. “It makes the event all the more celebratory.”

For more information on Pilot Season, go to topcow.com. For additional information on the event and Meltdown, head to meltcomics.com.

Coming this Week on iPulpFiction.com
[ Week of Dec. 4 – 10]

WEIRD HORROR TALES:OFF THE HOOK by Michael Vance
1949 — State Senator (and Azrealite) David Block goes fishing on the useless lake created by a boondoggled dam that buried Lost City, the ghetto of Light’s End, and a dirty secret under murky waters.

[ Publisher: Airship 27 – 4,100 words – 50¢ ]

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From the APRIL 1941 issue of Astonishing Stories

IMP OF THE THEREMIN by Ray Cummings
Born and bred in an Amati violin played by the Immortals of music, the transition to a theremin playing in a red-hot orchestra was too much even for an imp!

[ Publisher: Black Mask Magazine – 4,900 words – 50¢ ]

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From the OCT 1934 issue of Terror Tales

FROM OUT THE SHADOWS by Frances Bragg Middleton
It was hard for Shelley Reeves, city-bred, not to fear the musty, superstitious legends of that bleak bayou land where her husband’s people dwelt.

[ 5,200 words – 75¢ ]

More than a month after word of a six-minute prologue surfaced, Warner Bros. has at last officially announced the opening sequence of Christopher Nolan’s The Dark Knight Rises will premiere exclusively on select 70mm IMAX screens with Mission: Impossible — Ghost Protocol. The PG-13-rated prologue will debut on Dec. 16 in North America and on Dec. 21 in the United Kingdom.

The press release notes that Nolan’s 2008 blockbuster The Dark Knight was the first major motion picture to utilize IMAX cameras. With its sequel, the conclusion of his Batman trilogy, the filmmaker utilized the extremely high-resolution cameras even more extensively.

“Our experience on The Dark Knight shooting and projecting IMAX 15 perf 65mm/70mm film was inspiring,” Nolan said in a statement. “The immersive quality of the image goes beyond any other filmmaking tool available, and in revisiting Gotham, we were determined to shoot even more of the movie in this unique format. Giving the fans an early look at an IMAX sequence is a great way to draw attention to what I believe will be an incredible way to experience our story when it comes out next summer.”